Let Me Explain

Okay, so earlier today I said I thought I was going through a depression. While I won’t deny that I believe this to be true, I will say I probably shouldn’t have blurted it out to the internet. I don’t want the three people who know who I actually am to freak out.

Firstly, I blame WebMD.com for my mini-freakout. I was upset during my planning period and took one of their stupid quizzes. Turns out there is a high possibility that I’m depressed. Then again, I did break down into tears TWICE today for no reason. I have never felt so sad in my life. I will say, the one thing that doesn’t make me sad is my marriage. I have never, and will never, love anyone more than Husband. He is the one thing that makes me happy, and I feel so blessed to have Husband in my life.

I think this depression (oh great, here comes the tears) has been brought on my by my deep hatred for my job. I found out today that I may have to teach  an entirely new prep next year, I may not have a creative writing class, and I might have the shitheads again next year. I have begged for honors and AP sections, but apparently someone has to die first. I have never hated my students more than I do this year. Don’t even let me get into why this tenure/veteran teacher getting all the good classes as one of many reasons good teachers move on to other careers.

I actually dropped the F word in a high school classroom last week. And today I told them they needed to “get their sh*% together.” I’m better and more professional than this. I am embarrassed. I am also so sad. All the time, I feel sad. When I get into the parking lot, I just want to turn around.

There is a position available at the Catholic school, and I’m thinking of applying. I think I need to teach higher caliber students. My current school is a little too Title 1. The  more time I spend with my students the more I dislike them. It’s awful. I feel hateful and dark.

I can’t.

I will say there is a bright spot in all of this. Maybe I’m not cut out to teach high school English. I have recently looked into going to school for something new. It still involves teenagers, but it is a subject I’ve been interested in since the 8th grade. For 15ish years, I have loved this one thing and it is finally time to own it. I’m so sad that my parents don’t support the possiblity of my getting yet another degree, but Husband is so damn supportive and so tomorrow I’m meeting with the department chair at the local university about earning a bachelors of teaching in blank.

I have felt so empty all school year. There have been three things that have enabled me to make it through the last 9 months: Husband, my friends, and writing. I’m relived to have a supportive husband who is okay with me possibly spending the next 4 years as a student, again. I’m also really excited that I’m almost 30 and finally changing careers.

Being sad day in and day out has been too much. Thankfully, I don’t look to things like drugs and booze to get through life. I have supportive people around me (excluding my family) who understand that sometimes you have to change what you’re doing so you don’t burn your workplace down.

Off now to wipe my face. This crying business is lame.

 

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8 comments

  1. buck up, there, pardner.

    in the words of rob schneider, a la waterboy:

    if it makes you feel any better, i got put on meds for depression last year. and i had a break down in the Grad advisor’s office. *sigh*

    oh yeah, don’t forget the nasty altercation with a student that i totally wanna give the People’s Elbow to.

    don’t let them break you! you can do it!

    ours is a wretched, wretched profession. but, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM !

    1. oh, yeah, no problem. and to make it even better,before i broke down in the grad advisor’s office (who confessed that he had a similar lapse in sanity during his stint as a grad student), i also was a blubbering mess in the director of first year writing’s office. she said that she has GAs breaking down in her office a few times a month.

      *sigh*

      & to second cort’s last comment down there, i was CONVINCED (still kinda am) that i’m bipolar. (doesn’t help any that my mom actually is.) ugh.

      hopefully the crazies will go away (or at least subside) when i’m done with my program next year? =/

      1. Sweet Vanni, Seeing as I’m not a medical professional I can’t say that you’re “crazies” will go away. In fact, I’m pretty sure they won’t. I feel a lot more pressure to write now that I’m out of grad school. I think leaving grad school enables a different kind of crazy. I never really had a breakdown I can remember in grad school. I’m not one to cry in front of others. Never have been. I also hate it when people cry in front of me. It is so horrible and awful. If you are having breakdowns maybe less stress (the finishing of your program will help). Best of luck!

      2. i am exactly the same way, and that’s why it was so embarrassing. i blame it on the meds! haha and best of luck to you as well! =D

  2. Don’t be sad. It’ll get better. I think you’ll be great no matter what you teach. I also think you’d be an awesome college professor–I see you tenured at small liberal arts school : ) Though I also think a dramatic career change would be exciting. Keep writing!!

  3. Oh, and WebMD is dangerous for people with imaginations like ours. I diagnose myself with appendicitis at least twice a year.

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