Month: November 2011

Moving, Purging, and Letting Go–Oh My!

It’s moving time once again. This time, however, I’ll be moving into the new place where FH will join me after we wed. I’m pretty excited about it. When I finished grad school and had the wino for a roommate I said to myself, “the next person I live with will be my husband.” CHECK!

I’m pretty excited about it. The only thing that sucks is that I have to move. Moving is never fun. Never. Ever. It is only moderately awesome when you know that in less than 50 days you will finally be living with the love of your life. That is it. That is the only time moving is kind of awesome.

I don’t know what it is about moving, but moving always reminds me that I have way too much stuff. Where did it all come from? Why did I keep it? Do I need it with me at the new place.

Currently, the books and bathroom are packed and I have to pack up the kitchen (no, I don’t wanna) and my bedroom. Since my admission that I have an eating problem, I haven’t eaten any Oreos or ice cream (cue applause). I also have been very conscious of what I’m eating. My food diary is at work so I’ll be writing down what I eat starting on Monday.

Okay where am I going with this. Right.

Most of the clothes in my closet are from a time when I was a lot thinner. Like 50 pounds thinner. I’m not exactly sure about the number because when I was at my thinnest I never weighed myself. Well, I’ve been holding onto these clothes and moving them from one place to the next. For those of you who watch the Style network you know that Stacy London says this is not good. All it does is make you feel bad about yourself.

For the longest time, I didn’t believe this. I thought, “it’s motivation.” Well, clearly the motivation is not working. So, since this new place is a new start I’ve decided to finally let go of these clothes. For real this time. I have a few pieces (like 5) that I will be keeping–I know didn’t I just say I was going to rid my closet of these self-esteem killers? Letting go of clothes is like letting go of pieces of your identity. It’s tough to just get rid of it, still I must try to get rid of a good chunk of it.

I’m not the skinny 20 year old anymore. My 20 year old clothes are not cool anymore. It’s time to move on and by moving on I must eat less and exercise more. This way I can wear new clothes that are hot and age appropriate.

So, while I am packing up my unmarried self I’m also letting go of my single self. And right when the new Spring lines start coming off, I’ll be in the mall shopping my little heart out.

As I reflect back, I guess moving isn’t so bad. Every time you move, you get the change to make little changes to yourself and your space. This can always be a good thing.

On with the purge.

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Issues with Food

I haven’t lost any weight. Nothing. My body fat composition is down, but I’m not losing anything on the scale. Before you even try to say something about how great. Oh wow. You’re still shrinking since your body fat composition is down. Well, shut it. My clothes don’t fit me any better and I don’t look any thinner.

And here is why.

I eat way too much. I have a serious problem. There are some days when I know I’m not hungry, and I eat regardless. It’s awful. I take in too many calories. Most importantly, I don’t delay gratification.

If want a cookie, I eat it. If I want ice cream, I eat it. If I want a big bowl of pasta, I eat it. I don’t eat fast food or things that are unhealthy. I just eat too much of everything in general. I also eat to the point that I’m full. It’s a terrible habit, and I don’t really know why I do this. Sometimes I wonder if I’m filling some void.

I have been told and have noticed that I’m a terrible binger. I binge on everything. I binge eat, binge exercise, binge hang out with my friends. Binging is how I roll. It’s this character trait of  mine that is one of many reasons why I don’t do drugs. I totally couldn’t handle drugs. I’d be homeless and high. It would be bad.

As the wedding approaches and  I continue to make bad choices, I realize that I have this problem. I have tried not buying those things because I can’t have them in my presences. This seems unfair to FH. When we do finally merge he’ll want to have Oreos and cookies, snacks, and other bad-for-OMMFA-foods. I must learn to control myself.

Today when I was having a small ice cream after dinner I thought: this is not how a bride who wants to be thinner should eat.

I’ve always had this problem and I thought seeing a dietician would help. All the dietician has taught me is to love exercise. I mean really love it. This, of course, is not a bad thing, but I’m not skinnier and I still think I should cancel the photographer because I’m going to hate every picture. I just know it.

FH always asks: How bad do you want it?

Sometimes the desire to have ice cream seems to over power the desire to be thin. This is the problem. What I want to figure out is why? Why does the ice cream seem better at the moment versus being skinny in the future?

I am so vain so why do I eat the damn ice cream?

Well, this has been bothering me and I figured if I got it out of my head I might be able to conquer it.

Does anyone else have this problem out there? How do you deal?