As you know, my mother is battling Sarcoma, a cancer of the soft muscle tissue. She was scheduled for surgery this week and she called to tell me that her doctor had canceled the surgery. Of course, no one explained to her why that is. She mentioned something about how the doctor wanted to perform a few more scans. She told me he was supposed to call her today to explain and schedule an appointment, but never did. My mother seemed very calm on the phone.
She joked about how the operation was going to include her spleen being removed, parts of her stomach, pancreas, and liver too. She laughed about it. Saying, “Oh, Doctors suck.”
That’s all she said. She wasn’t crying. She was laughing.
She also laughed at my grandfather’s funeral, because sad things make her laugh.
It’s quite late as I write this. I have a spinning class at 6 AM and my alarm is set to go off in about 5 hours, but I can’t sleep. All I keep thinking about the scenarios that would result in my mother’s surgery being canceled.
Possible scenarios (I’ll start with the worst and work my way to being positive).
1. There is no point in doing the surgery.
2. They need to check to see if the cancer is spreading and this will result in an even more invasive surgery.
3. The tumors are too big.
4. The tumors are all over the place.
5. The chemo was working really well, so maybe they want to go back to just doing chemo.
6. They want to scan her tumors once more to guarantee that they are not active.
It could be anything. Maybe it’s something silly like the doctor was called off to some emergency surgery and can’t squeeze my mother’s procedure in.
I do think it’s not cool that they didn’t tell her why she didn’t have to finish her pre-op stuff. I don’t know how she stays so calm. I’ve been hysterical for an hour.
After a few texts back and forth with FH, I decided to just stop worrying and write about my feelings.
I told FH that I was worried and then I wrote, “I just love her so much and don’t want her leave. I am so worried.”
It then dawned on me that I was being selfish. I need to chill the eff out and pray for my mother instead of think about how I need her.
Shame on me.
Today at mass, I spent most of my time praying that God and the Virgin protect my mother and help her heal. I even asked the priest to pray for her. Then about an hour later my mother called. God works fast and mysteriously. Apparently.
I’ll keep you all posted on the situation.