Why you hittin’ yourself?

I have a personal Facebook account. The more I friend people who I’m not super close with, I find myself posting less and less about things that are going on in my life.

Recently, I posted a status up about how I was trying to decide if I should apply for Fall 2012 PhD programs. Of course, most of my friends were super supportive and awesome, then Thesis Chair posted.

First, I should explain that I was contacted by TC through a Facebook message about a page that might pique my interest. I was shocked by the contact. Facebook is weird that way. It’s like you want people to want to be friends with you. In my never-ending need to be liked, I was so excited especially after the whole, “You’re not thinking of a PhD are you?” incident. Why would someone as smart and awesome as TC want to contact me through something as social as Facebook?

O.

M.

G.

I immediately texted Missy (you might remember her from our adventures at AWP).

Me: OMG (yes I use texting language so effing sue me) TC messaged me on Facebook.

Missy: Me too!

We were both excited because of TC’s elusive and mysterious social behavior. I wasn’t as excited because I now knew I was no longer special, but whatever, that is besides the point. I sat, staring at the computer screen. Should I send her a friend request? What if she didn’t accept it? Why did I need her to like and respect me so damn much?

I sent the request and was thrilled when she accepted. I imagine this is about how happy high school boys are when they ask that special girl to prom, and she says yes.

So, to recap: I posted about the PhD, friends were supportive, then TC posted.

I wasn’t even the first person to see it.

Missy texted me.

“Just saw what TC posted on your Facebook status, WTF?”

I was driving and wished so badly that I had a smart phone.

“I haven’t even seen it.”

I got to work and wanted to make a mad dash for the office, but I had to go to a meeting so about 45 minutes went by and I was freaking out. My heart was beating. What the heck did she say?

I got the computer.

Her comment used the word, “realistic.”

Enough said.

I texted Missy.

“Why does she hate me?”

FH texted me about it also asking, “What does that even mean?”

I’m still confused.

I tried to respond with something self deprecating, like haha, you didn’t just punch me in the heart . But TC had broken my little heart, yet again.

FH said she can suck it.

That made me feel better.

So, I guess (if I was teaching narrative and my student submitted this story I’d make a comment that said, “where are you going with this) what I’m trying to say is I can no longer enjoy  Facebook in the same way I once did. Now, I worry that I with every comment TC sees me post, or status I share, I’m being judged, hated even by someone I admire so much. Or should I say admired? I don’t know.

It could be that maybe TC has my best interest at heart.

Who the hell knows?

The bigger question is why the eff do I care?

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