I have a personal Facebook account. The more I friend people who I’m not super close with, I find myself posting less and less about things that are going on in my life.
Recently, I posted a status up about how I was trying to decide if I should apply for Fall 2012 PhD programs. Of course, most of my friends were super supportive and awesome, then Thesis Chair posted.
First, I should explain that I was contacted by TC through a Facebook message about a page that might pique my interest. I was shocked by the contact. Facebook is weird that way. It’s like you want people to want to be friends with you. In my never-ending need to be liked, I was so excited especially after the whole, “You’re not thinking of a PhD are you?” incident. Why would someone as smart and awesome as TC want to contact me through something as social as Facebook?
I immediately texted Missy (you might remember her from our adventures at AWP).
Me: OMG (yes I use texting language so effing sue me) TC messaged me on Facebook.
Missy: Me too!
We were both excited because of TC’s elusive and mysterious social behavior. I wasn’t as excited because I now knew I was no longer special, but whatever, that is besides the point. I sat, staring at the computer screen. Should I send her a friend request? What if she didn’t accept it? Why did I need her to like and respect me so damn much?
I sent the request and was thrilled when she accepted. I imagine this is about how happy high school boys are when they ask that special girl to prom, and she says yes.
So, to recap: I posted about the PhD, friends were supportive, then TC posted.
I wasn’t even the first person to see it.
Missy texted me.
“Just saw what TC posted on your Facebook status, WTF?”
I was driving and wished so badly that I had a smart phone.
“I haven’t even seen it.”
I got to work and wanted to make a mad dash for the office, but I had to go to a meeting so about 45 minutes went by and I was freaking out. My heart was beating. What the heck did she say?
I got the computer.
Her comment used the word, “realistic.”
I texted Missy.
“Why does she hate me?”
FH texted me about it also asking, “What does that even mean?”
I’m still confused.
I tried to respond with something self deprecating, like haha, you didn’t just punch me in the heart . But TC had broken my little heart, yet again.
FH said she can suck it.
That made me feel better.
So, I guess (if I was teaching narrative and my student submitted this story I’d make a comment that said, “where are you going with this) what I’m trying to say is I can no longer enjoy Facebook in the same way I once did. Now, I worry that I with every comment TC sees me post, or status I share, I’m being judged, hated even by someone I admire so much. Or should I say admired? I don’t know.
It could be that maybe TC has my best interest at heart.
Who the hell knows?
The bigger question is why the eff do I care?