Beware Bulldozer Ahead

In an  attempt to stay anonymous I try not to talk too much of my life outside of teaching, writing, and studenting, but I think all the outside stuff plays a role in who I am as a teacher, writer, and especially as a student. Right now the thing that affects me most is my long distance relationship. My boyfriend lives roughly one thousand miles away from where I live and we’ve been long distance for three and half years this October. We’ve been dating for four years. That’s right. When I finish my course work this semester I’ll be moving to his city.

This past year I’ve become obsessed with calendars. I have a planner, a calendar by my door, and a large desk calendar. It’s like I’m perpetually counting down the days that move me closer to living in the same zip code as my other half. While it has never been easy, I can’t say that it’s gotten easier. Part of me thinks that being apart from someone you love plays a toll on you. There are days, and I’ll venture to say that today is one of them, when knowing I’m not going to him really impacts me.

It’s a good thing I’m a busy bee because if I didn’t have a lot to do, I’d go mental thinking about it all the time. The thing is, I’ve been reading Wuthering Heights. I blame Emily Bronte. It seems crazy but I’m about half way through and there is the scene when Catherine disses Heathcliff, he leaves and Catherine goes totally bananas. Nelly, the narrator, even tells Mr. Lockwood that the doctor had her on a kind of suicide watch. Now, I think it’s important to note, I’m no Catherine Earnshaw/Linton. I’m not totally nuts, and need to be watched for fear I’m going to throw myself in any river, lake, or other major body of water, but. And it’s a big BUT! (and butt, hehehe) I totally understand why Catherine can’t seem to take it anymore.

When I’m away from my other half, especially when I leave or he leaves there is physical pain. And yes, I’m crier, but I’ve learned these past four years, that there is no reason to cry, it’s not going to prevent my having to leave, or his having to leave, but I will admit (and I doubt he’ll read this…he also doesn’t know what I’m about to say, I’ve always been a bit embarrassed to tell him) there have been times when I’ve driven away from his house after a fabulous visit (and they’ve all been great) and cried so hard that I couldn’t see the road in front of me. It’s one of those things where it over takes you. The pressure in your chest is so strong, you either cry or your heart explodes within your chest cavity.

Okay Okay, so why am I tell you all of this sentimental crap? I should have probably reserved this for my journal. I don’t know. I think I need to know someone knows how shitty it is. Mostly, I wanted to talk about Wuthering Heights. It’s my second favorite novel next to Frankenstein. While, my boyfriend is no Heathcliff and by that I don’t mean he isn’t passionate, I more mean he isn’t a vengeful evil nut case. I think too because the semester is wearing me down I’m starting to have trouble seeing the road that leads to being in the same city as him. I guess I needed to make sure that the road isn’t blocked and even if it is, get ready because I’ve got a bulldozer.

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