Midterm Blues

It’s that time in the semester when everything feels crazy. The semester started off rough and I feel as if I’ll never get catch up. I’m drowning in papers to grade, and job applications. Oh and did I mention I have to move. Yeah move in the middle of the school year. I’m still not in the “yeah it’s happening” mode. In fact, I’m still reeling that I’m being asked to pay an even higher rent when tomatoes cost $3.99 a lbs. $3.99! I haven’t worked out in two days because of a killer migraine and I’m confident the migraine is being caused by the never-ending stack of papers and lack of exercise. Damn you cycles! 

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m planning on attending Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity. I looked at the date today and realized it was only 11 days away. While I’m super excited I keep thinking that I need to have a lot of stuff done by the time I leave because I don’t want to come back on Sunday and feel the urge to crawl beneath the Earth’s surface.

Today I noticed my students are starting to feel the pressure of the midterm. I addressed three sections of glossy-eyed, apathetic students today, and two other sections of the same yesterday. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here soon.

Soon…

A Talk Out/Write Out Session: Issues with the Novel

Yesterday’s warm up post felt really good. I ended up writing an hour more than I had planned because I was so focused. I figured I’d give it a try today. 

Since, I’m about to dive back into my thesis work I figured I’d try to write out/talk out some of the obstacles I’ve come across this past week. I don’t mean the challenges of writing at home and dealing a family in crisis. I’m talking about the literal issues with the novel.

First of all, I find myself  kind of bored with my characters. My professor and thesis chair has a philosophy that if you’re not sure what to do with a scene or character or story add a character. My concern with this is that if I add a character here and there the novel is going to go on forever. Though for todays’ section it is vital that I add the character that I’ve created.  While I don’t want this novel to be five hundred pages long, I do want readers to follow these characters for about fifty or sixty years. Also, my professor/thesis chair  constantly enforces the idea that all characters must be employed. I too feel strongly about this, though I don’t really practice it. I am mostly working on banging out the rough draft. I’ll employ all my characters during the revision.

The story centers around three characters who are related. The first character is, for lack of a better word, the protagonist. While the novel does center around this character, the other two characters that follow are important as well. The other two characters are primarily being utilized to reinforce themes and motifs that I feel are vital to the depth of the novel.

The biggest problem I’m having, and have always had as a writer is knowing when to show  moments in scene and when to show them in exposition. While I’m fully aware of the overused, “show not tell” rule when dealing with a large number of years I don’t see how exposition can be avoided.

I also think that I may have over outlined my novel. I’m considering revising my outline since it’s way too detailed and I’ve decided to move away from a good portion of it. I love having a reference document that can keep me focused, but what I’ve noticed is happening is that my writing as turned into a very detailed outline that has scenes.

So maybe my biggest problem isn’t knowing when to show scenes but developing a voice for my narrator. The novel is told in the third person, which is a bit uncomfortable for me since I love writing in the first person.  The thing is, I tried writing the novel in the first person and it didn’t feel right, so I changed it.  I think I need to really think about who is telling the story. Maybe if I understood my narrator at a deeper level I’d be able to give him/her a voice.

Just writing “him/her” is a problem. Shouldn’t I at least know the sex of my narrator? I do know the narrator isn’t in the novel, but an observer.  I haven’t (was going to write can’t but can’t isn’t in my vernacular these days) decided if the narrator lives in the town the novel takes place, or if the narrator is like an all-seeing eye, the way I teach my students the omniscient third person voice looks. The thing is, the narrator is a pinch complicated because while I know the narrator knows everyone’s thoughts and actions, I have chosen for the narrator to only disclose the thoughts of very specific characters, consistently of course.

So that’s that. I feel like I have a stronger handle on the issues that I’ve been battling. I’m about 120 pages in, and I think I have about 200 left to write, maybe even less. I had a girlfriend who also wrote a novel for her thesis, who told me that it’s the first 150 pages that are the worst, once you know where it’s going and how to end it, writing those last 100-200 pages is like rolling downhill. I believe her. She’s given me sound advice the entire time I’ve been in grad school, and is currently enrolled in a prestigious  program for a PhD in Creative Writing.

I will do some steady climbing today. Thanks for listening.

Week Three: Write Everyday or Else…

As is always the case I have over-estimated my ability to focus. These past two weeks have not been very productive, as far as the thesis writing is concerned.  While I have written more than I usually do, it hasn’t been enough.  With moving and driving back and forth between my old address and new address it’s been quite chaotic.

I came home for Christmas, although I did  almost regret the decision when I came home to major drama. Still, Christmas is about family and seeing through differences to be together, oh and Jesus’s birthday and I think Jesus should come before my thesis.

The problem is when I’m home all I want to do is help my parents with the house and helping them get things in order, especially since we’re hosting Christmas Eve and the house is still quite messy because of the renovations.

As is with most crazy times, things seem to get crazy just when you think it can’t get any worse. Well on Saturday I sprained my ankle, had to go to the doctor and I can’t seem to stop walking on it.

Since, I can’t help with too much around the house now that my ankle and foot are really bruised and swollen, I’ve decided this is the PERFECT excuse to get some writing done. I did, however vacuum the house this morning though; I also went up into the attic to get some things down to do some minor decorating for Christmas.

I’m not going to do too much physical work though because I’m a runner and not being able to run is killing me. I never realized how much I love to be running around, standing up, and doing stuff until I couldn’t. Yesterday I tried to play the piano but that was a bust because of course I sprained my right ankle which is the foot for the pedal. LAME. At least I have an excuse to write. Maybe that’s what I needed all along.

Well, I’m off to write until my fingers fall off.

Family + Holidays =Explosives

So like most people, I have a crazy family. I love them to death, but there are times when I want to die of embarrassment. Times when I question my biology. Tonight at dinner was one of those nights.

Some background::

I have two sisters. One of my sisters is nine years younger than me and is the funniest person on the planet. She is still in high school and on occasion her boyfriend joins us for dinner. Tonight was one of those nights.

My other sister is 21 months younger than me and we hate each other. She is the blacksheep in our family, and often all of us wonder how she ended up in our family. Her life is a chaotic mess and she is often times immature and blames other for her life and current living situation. She refuses to take responsiblity for her actions and this annoys me to no end. If you don’t like your life situation, stop bitching and DO something about.  When I’m around her for too long I feel like she has a toxic hold over me.  Her negative energy is able to suck the life  and light out of any space.

Tonight at dinner she started rambling about something completely inappropriate and even started telling racist jokes. She proceeded to tell my mother suffering from cancer that she wanted to make her pot brownies because it would help cure the cancer (I warned you, she is crazy). My mother, who is super conservative and opposed to the over use of Tylenol, opposed the idea of any kind of marijuana consumption.

My sister than went on some rant about inappropriate behavior of a doctor that she encountered. All the while my other sister’s boyfriend sat at the dinner table staring at his food. When (let’s call her blacksheep) Blacksheep started to tell racist jokes I removed myself from table.

I don’t think my sister is a racist; I believe she just wanted to repeat some joke she heard. Her disclaimer was that it wasn’t that funny. We were all unsure why she wanted to repeat it. I asked her repeatedly not to even say the joke, begging someone to help me change the subject. She said the joke, which was not funny. 

I sat there as she continued to defend herself and her friend who she heard the joke from. I then got up from the table, having heard enough. 

I went outside for brisk walk in the cold weather. It made me wonder why I drove twelve hours to come home for the holidays. I could have had a peaceful week of getting work done and relaxing. Instead, I enter this pit of chaos.

A week ago I was freaking out about moving so far away from my family, but after this evening, after the yelling, the not being able to sleep in a bed, and my sister’s erratic behavior, I’m relieved that on December 26th I get to leave.

I can’t stay here. 

What makes me sad is that my mother, who is ill, has to stay here. She deserves better. She deserves a clean comfortable house where she can rest and relax instead of constantly wonder what crazy ass thing Blacksheep is going to do or say.

It will be a Christmas miracle if I don’t tell Blacksheep off before the holiday weekend comes to an end.

Christmas miracles? They do happen, right?

Week Two: Write Everyday or Else…

Last week went pretty well. I didn’t write everyday, but I did work on my thesis everyday, whether it was rereading what I wrote to comment on my draft, or actually trucking through the draft. The first half of the week was much more successful than the last half of the week into the weekend. It was difficult to work at the airport and then at my boyfriend’s house, but I tried.

This week, I believe will be just as challenging. In a few hours my boyfriend and I will be loading up the U-haul and tomorrow morning we head back to his neck of the woods. So basically if I want to get any writing done I have to do it this evening. Then tomorrow we’ll be driving all day. Eleven hours. Writing is very unlikely tomorrow. Wednesday I’ll be unpacking and running around getting build it yourself furniture and probably a quick trip to the grocery store.  I think if I bust my butt really hard on Wednesday morning by Wednesday evening or afternoon  I should get a few hours of work in.

So basically Thursday is the only day I have to write a lot because on Friday I have to drive back home for a wedding on Saturday. I plan on waking up early to work on the thesis on Saturday since the wedding doesn’t start until 7.

I’ll be staying home through Christmas and plan to work on my thesis at Barnes and Noble because they have free wi-fi. Then either the 26th or 27th I’ll head back to my new apartment. This will be the end of the long distance relationship. The boyfriend and I will finally be living in the same zip code!

This new living arrangement I’m sure will be a new challenge in the quest to get the novel completed but I have total faith in my will and vision. I have always been the kind of person who when she puts her mind to something, nothing can stop her.

Should be an interesting few days. Today is day one of what my boyfriend is calling “Operation move —– to ——–.”

Yesterday

Day one of my 6 week intense writing session went well. Because my parents’ house is too chaotic for me to concentrate in, I packed up my laptop and headed to Barnes and Noble, where they have free wi-fi. It was great. In between the writing session I took a brief break to catch-up with an old girlfriend.

I felt a pinch cliché sitting at a Barnes and Noble in their Starbucks writing, but then I thought about the town I grew up, where my parents still live I decided it’s probably considered more cliché in a huge city where art thrives. The town my parents live in does not have thriving art work.

It’s your average American town where many kids from high school try out the community college with the goal of getting out, but end up taking 6 years to get an AA. This is the kind of town where for the most part if you go to the mall you’re very likely to see at least one or two persons you know. I love it here, but I’m glad I was able to escape. For some, it’s very difficult to be successful here.

My boyfriend is from a town that is very similar to this, except his town is about 3000 miles on the other side of the country. What I’ve learned is that regardless of coast the towns we  are from are not exclusive to us.

Anyways, that’s why  I didn’t feel as cliché and will be doing more of the same today. Hopefully today it won’t be so difficult to find an outlet for my computer.

Also, regardless of the clicheness ( I know it’s not a word) my thesis needs getting done. Wish me luck!

Goal: To bang out two pages more than I did yesterday. Just two. Very doable.

Week One: Write Everyday or Else…

Well now that the semester has come to a close, I handed in my last paper early, and input my grades, I’m given an extra week to simply focus on my thesis. This next month promises to be chaotic. Yesterday, I moved out my apartment by school and drove my stuff to parents house, which is an hour away. Because I own 12 boxes just of books, I had to make two trips. Needless to say, yesterday was tiresome.

I think my boyfriend’s excitement that I’m going to be moving has got him hyped up. He’s flying me up in order to escort him to a semi-formal work Christmas thing then we’re driving to my parent’s house to load up the U-Haul only to head back to his city. After a brief unpacking, I’m headed back down to my parents’ place. I have a wedding to attend, I’ll stay through Christmas, then I drive back up to live permanently. Whoa.

All the while, my completed rough draft is due the week of January 14th. I’m a little less than halfway through my novel, so this month we learn if this chick can bang out a novel in about 6 weeks. This deadline is if I want to graduate in Spring, which I do. I’m quite tired of the student life.

While, I’m quite nervous about getting it done because of all the traveling and the insane atmosphere at my parents’ house with the renovations, my mom’s chemo, and oh! I forgot to tell you all, my other sister moved back in and her life is quite the wreck. I’m  sure this holiday season promises to aid in some short story/essay material for my post novel-writing days.  I think this month will be a true test of my writerly passion. I’m going to be forced to write EVERYDAY, which is what all great writer’s do. I’m ashamed to admit, I don’t do this.

I’ve never written every day because I’ve always had excuses, well now there is no excuse, I’m not taking any classes, I don’t have papers to grade, hell I don’t even have a job (another post on that to come later I’m sure). There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t write everyday. It will still be tough, because my mom is sick, and I want so desperately for her to be able to heal in a clean house which isn’t cluttered. We shall see how this all turns out.

In an attempt to chronicle my progress every Monday I’ll post on the issues of writing everyday, and how far I’ve gotten in my thesis by Monday, January 11th, I’d like to have a starter sentence that reads: “This week I’ll be putting the finishing touches on my completed thesis rough draft.”

This next 6 weeks I have to write everyday. I’m hoping it’s what gets me in the groove to continue to do it even after my thesis is completed.

I’ve heard that when starting to exercise regularly it takes 6-8 weeks to see results. Well this month I start a new exercise program for my mind and I’m hoping at the end of the 6 weeks I’m transformed into a devoted writer.

So So So Close

Did I mention I’m moving? I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to look through my past posts to check. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it because it’s only been on my mind since I started grad school. I know I’ve mentioned the four-year long distance relationship.

When I started grad school I promised my boyfriend that I would do the program as fast as I could. Immediately I asked my advisor if I could do my thesis hours away. When it was confirmed that I didn’t have to live in town and could write away from my university I was set. I ploughed through my courses and well, here we are at the end of my final semester of course work.

While my program is supposed to be three years, it can definitely be completed in two. With summers and loading up on classes, it’s doable. It’s not easy, but if it was easy then everyone would do it, right? The major issue I’m having this semester isn’t my classes, or teaching, or even the long distance. It’s my thesis.

I stupidly decided I wanted to write my first novel for my thesis. I also decided it would be a good idea to move, and hunt for jobs. My rough draft is due, the latest January 1st. I’m hoping I can bang it out before then, but with everything that is going on, I’m concerned. My goal is to graduate this spring, but I would be okay with myself if I had to push it to summer. Though, I didn’t graduate from undergrad in spring, and there is something magical about graduating in the spring, I think. All my friends graduated in spring and it’s so exciting, and everything is new, the leaves, the flowers, the moon. It’s fantastic. I’d like to participate in a spring graduation. Also, my youngest sister is graduating from high school this spring, and I think it would be so fun to have two spring graduates hanging out the house.

Okay, back to moving. Come mid-December I’ll no longer be in a long distance relationship. It’s crazy.

I was talking to my boyfriend about this recently and he pointed out that he won’t be excited until I’m living there. He reminded me that a few days after I move in I have to drive back home in order to attend a wedding and be with my family for Christmas. Then he’ll be excited because I’ll be back for New Years.

Oh, and he forgot to mention that I’ll hopefully be attending the MLA convention in Philadelphia for an interview. If you want incentive to finish a thesis and graduate apply for a job as a professor that requires a masters, so you have to finish it in order to work. HA!

I have to say the moving aspect of my life has taken over. I’m obsessed. I go on the Rooms to Go website daily and Ikea and Target just to see what furniture sales and options are available. I’m so eager to move I’ve already set up my electricity and have been browsing internet and cable packages.

While decorating is exciting that is not what I’m stoked about. It’s knowing that in roughly a month I’ll be able to see my boyfriend everyday if I want to. That I won’t have to have anymore lengthy phone conversations, that I’ll actually get to cook for him and and and and! go on dates! No more movies alone EVER AGAIN! ooooh we’ll even get to do normal couple things like hang out with friends together, and watch tv together. Hell, we’re just going to be together. I can’t wait. I can’t wait.

But I must focus. Thesis first. Excited second.

This upcoming weekend my boyfriend is coming for a visit and it’s the last visit we’re going to have as a long distance couple, and after four years of being apart, and many trips of meeting up in different places, and visiting each other. It feels so good to know it’s the last one. While we’ve had some great times, it’s feels really really really good to know it’s the last visit.

I must remember to focus. Think. Thesis.

Holiday Readings

Tonight at the library of my university, the MFA program will be holding a holiday reading. Last year around this time, the honors society and literary magazine hosted the reading and it was lovely. I’m obsessed with readings. I love going to them, and I love love love reading at them.

I’m currently enrolled in a course that focuses on Emerson and Thoreau and we are always talking about how they did readings around Concord. I have to say, I would totally have loved this. Reading your writing to a crowd is awesome. It allows you to perform your piece how you know it should be heard, and it helps you find places where improvements may be necessary. Also, you’re reaching people instantly.

I love it. I have a small theatre background and I look at every reading like a performance. While some of my peers do not feel the same way I find it important to know when to pause for laughs and when to raise your voice, and read softly. I love reading a piece that gets laughs where you want it. There is also the networking opportunities as with most departments professors tend to support their students.

It’s also very possible that I love the attention.

The thing is, I don’t just love reading at readings, I love hearing writers read their work the way they intend for the reader to hear it. Their work becomes alive and there is this supportive energy in the air. I love it. I love it. I love it.  Not to mention the holiday theme gets me fired up for the upcoming break. I love the holidays, and this readings is the perfect segue.

Okay, enough. I have to practice one or two more times and I’d like to squeeze a nap in.

Have a great weekend all. I’ll keep you posted on everything (the reading, the job hunt, the thesis, moving, and Frankenmommy).

Kiss my Ass, Freshman.

As Thanksgiving approaches so do the deadlines. I just finished leafing through my students final paper rough drafts and you know what kind of crap they are pulling. Sentences like, “I’m only writing this sentence so that she doesn’t say anything.” Really students? Really little freshman? You have got to be kidding me. 

As I stood at the front of the classroom reading the papers, I stopped to read this specific sentence aloud; a reminder– I’m not as dumb as I look. In the three years I’ve been teaching my students have done this a few times. I always catch them and I always call them out on it. I find it incredibly rude. Where do they get off? It is clearly their egos needing some stroking, look at how I pulled one over Ms. ,Mr., or Professor [insert name here]. Yes, aren’t you the slick little student.

Also, I noticed today as I stood in front of  the class, the large quantities of apathy taking up space in the classroom. I was briefly giving comments on the small errors and issues I noticed the class had on their papers and they ignored me. It was as if I wasn’t even standing up there. Really? Of course, your papers are perfect. How could I  have made such an error in suggesting some of your work needs improvement?  Oops my bad.

I reminded them that I could easily just stop, cancel my office hours, and not help them. It was fine with me. They aren’t the only ones who are “busy” and “have problems.”  No, we all do. We’re all students struggling to get to the end of the semester. Kiss my ass, Freshman.

This is the first time I’ve noticed my students not caring about my comments. Usually when I stand up to teach they are there with me. They hunger for my advice. They need more and more of it.  What is happening? Have they given up their goals of getting an A?  Frankly, I don’t really care if they don’t want A’s. What is it to me? If they don’t care, then hell, neither do I.

As much as I love teaching, and while I know I write a lot about students and how annoying they are, I really do love it. More times than not, I have a great time teaching. Both of my sections have great students who make me laugh and they take the time to show they care by attending my office hours. In general, they are good kids. The issue, I think, isn’t the actual students. It’s the month of November and all those damn Christmas commercials.

There is still a month and change for them to get through and all they are thinking about is the holidays. And, I hate to admit this, I’m guilty too. I’m ready to move, to eat lots of delicious Italian holiday food, and celebrate the new year. But, I’m still getting the work done, I’m focused.

Frankly, I wish the semester would come to an end already so I can get a new batch of students, a new job and start the new year.