Summer Time Wasting Away in Front of the Ole Tube

It’s here! I’ve been off for about two weeks now and have been enjoying every minute.

Currently, I’m catching up on the classics that I should have read in high school but never did. 

The first book on the list is The Great Gatsby. How I managed to get through honors and AP level high school English classes, college as an English major, and an MFA in creative writing with 48 literature credit hours having not read this book kind of blows my mind. Currently, the Kindle says I’m 52% of the way through. It’s pretty solid. Not sure what all the hype is about, but I’m not done reading it yet. I’m hoping once I’m done (hopefully by tomorrow or the next day) I’ll be able to understand what the hell all the literature nerds are talking about.

This summer is my first summer where I’m not working. I’ve been writing and reading for most of it and catching up on some TV shows that I’ve heard so much about. I did realize today that I have been watching way too much TV and have decided that starting on Monday I will only allow myself TV time after 4 or 5 pm. 

I’ve also been spending the past week or two trying to get back into shape. Before the wedding, I was training for a half marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Even though I was not at my thinnest, I still was able to run 6 to 8 miles without stopping. Since the wedding, I have gained about 15 pounds (yeah I know, I’m disgusting) and can barely run 1 mile. It’s awful. I refuse to be this fat person. I’m completely appalled by my lack of care for myself and my appearance. What is frightening is that I haven’t really changed my eating habits, I simply took a too long break from exercise. 

I’m definitely one of those people who will have to workout 5 days a week for 1 hour until they die if they want to maintain a healthy weight. This sucks because I don’t love exercise, but I also don’t love being the heaviest I’ve ever been. Currently, I don’t fit into any of my clothes. I look gross. It’s amazing that Husband is even attracted to me.  

Not to mention, my 10 year high school reunion is this September. I swear I’m more motivated by this reunion than I was by my wedding to look good. Throughout high school I was always the dumpy, fat, nerdy older sister to one of the hottest girls at school, and I’m still self conscious about it. It would be pretty awesome to roll up in September looking like I did when I was in college–thin and fit. 

This, of course, will depend completely on my focus. Frankly, my motivation to do more reading, writing, and exercise will also depend on whether I can kick my TV addcition. Today, I debated starting a new series on Netflix but decided to knock back some more reading. 

How is your summer going fellow educators? Any fun plans? What do you do make it through the summer without going crazy?

 

Self Destructive

I weighed in today, and after losing 6 pounds guess who gained 4 this week. I have no excuses. I didn’t drink enough water, didn’t count calories and only worked out once this week. What is wrong with me? I was doing so awesome.
I think my bad behavior and slacking off the past few weeks (I’ve been terrible about counting calories) bit me hard in the ass. I feel like I have to start all over again.

The dietician looked very disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me.

Do I or don’t I want to look good in that wedding dress or not?

Enough is Enough

I decided against the haircut. I have been trying for years to grow my hair long like Kim Kardashian and while I will never have Armenian hair, I do have good hair, and I’m not cutting it.

In an effort to make over my life, I’m starting with my health. My physical health. I already workout a little (not as much as I used to) so adding more days and variety will help with that. The real makeover is in the food.

I recently started working with a dietitian. I’ve tried everything, Weight Watchers, Jillian Michaels, little or no carbs–you name it I’ve tried it. The only thing I haven’t tried are cleanses because there is no way that is healthy. I decided to work with a dietitian because they are specialized, and qualified. They go to school for this and they understand how eating, exercise and the body work. With Weight Watchers, the group leader is someone who was successful with the program, not someone who understands how sugar, and protein and other nutrients fuel the body. The dietician is expensive. While, I absolutely cannot afford this, I am doing it anyway. My mother said “[insert given name here], it’s an investment in your health.”

She’s right.

I should probably note that, I’m not a walking blob. I’m overweight, but I’m not to the point (nor will I let myself) where I can’t where normal sized clothes. I am, however, overweight.

A lot of my anxiety and self confidence issues stem from my weight. I’ve always struggled with it. Since I was about 10 years old, I was the fat kid. I have two sisters who should and could easily be models. They are lean and gorgeous. So gorgeous, fact, that my whole life I was always considered “the good eater” versus my one sister (who is about 21 months younger than me) who was always told how beautiful she is. I have always envied my sisters, their beauty and their smarts. Growing up boys always paid attention to them, while I focused on my grades and extra curricular activities. Even in college, my roommates were the ones who got attention. Of course, this didn’t help, but it was also something I couldn’t control. While, I’m sure my appearance didn’t help, my personality probably didn’t aid in my not getting attention from the opposite sex. Growing up, I was never so obese that I looked scary, I was chunky. In fact, my whole life (even now) my nickname from my family has been a word that derives from chunky. In fact, one of my uncle calls me “chunkina” which is is like girl chunk.

So, you can image how these nicknames, and experiences have scarred me. In college, I was put on a migraine medication and within about 5 months I went from a size 14 to a size 6. That’s about 40 pounds. Of course in college I did more walking because I lived on campus. Still, I always had a voracious appetite and this medication made it go away. Best. Thing. Ever. I still enjoyed food, I just didn’t eat too much of it. My family continued to called me, “chunkina.” Frankly, it was probably warranted because never let go of the fat kid inside me.

Well, when I graduated I didn’t have a good job and didn’t have health insurance so I stopped taking the magic medication. And on packed the pounds.

Now, I’m back to my high school weight and none of my cute size six clothes fit. My anxiety is through the roof, and I hate myself.

So last week, I made an appointment and started a program. The eating plan officially started today so of course I have to wait until next Friday to know if it is working. I’m sure the first week will be good. I’m focused and more motivated than I thought I’d be. I’m sure the expense is forcing me to be focused. I’m like this with the gym. In the morning when I get up and don’t want to go, I think to myself, “get up, you’re paying for a membership.”

As you all know, I haven’t been feeling right. FH and I talked about it and he said something that I think is on point. He said, “if something in your life is making you unhappy, get rid of it.”

Well, the thing that is making me unhappy is my health and appearance. When I feel like I look good in a bathing suit, things just seem sunnier. Maybe I’m vain, I don’t know and I don’t care.

I’m tired of getting dressed in the morning and feeling like if I was thinner I’d be able to dress trendier. I’m also tired of worrying that I’m going to hate all the wedding pictures because I’m cow. I’m also tired of worrying that FH is going to look at me one day and think, “that isn’t the girl I fell in love with.” While, I don’t actually believe he would think something like that, I know that I look at myself and think, “where is the artistic, confident girl that proudly walked [insert undergrad institution here].”

I guess, I’m thinking if I make over my physical self it will be the beginning of loving my interior neurotic self.  I don’t know if this will actually work, but I have faith. I know it’s time to get over this weigh issue. I don’t want to start my new life with FH hating the old me–the child in me. I want to start our life together happy with myself.

Honestly, it’s been over 15 years that I’ve been struggling with this problem. Enough is enough. The fat kid must die.

The excess weight has been warned. Not get off bitch.

 

You call this a vacation

Let me tell you about the “vacation” I’m about to go on. I was born in a very big city. The population of Italians in this city, like many large cities is huge. My family, as my boyfriend has often pointed out, is very critical.

Recently, lets say the past four years, I have changed physically. I was always the fat kid and when I went to college and got nice and thin. Well, the past year and half I’ve been packing on the pounds. It’s very frustrating because I’m in the best shape of my life. I eat healthier and exercise more than I ever have. So what’s with the weight gain? Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older. The thing is I’m still very young we’re talking still in my twenties. This isn’t the major issue.

My family, that I’m going to visit soon saw last saw me at my thinnest. They were very kind about how good I looked, but the thing is Italians, or maybe it’s just my family, are very straightforward. When my sister got too thin, they immediately insulted her telling her she was skinny and said some mean things to her. I’m not looking forward to hearing from my family that I’ve gotten fat. 

I’m not really fat, I’m average. Could I afford to lose some pounds? Absolutely. That doesn’t mean I want to hear my family tell me, “you’ve gained weight.”

While I know I shouldn’t care what people think (my boyfriend reminds me of this all the time) it’s family. I’m going to be at a big party, with a lot of them together. While I am absolutely a victim of the outfit crisis, I have been having one for at least a week over a party in two weeks, and will continue to have one. Do I wear a skirt and top, something I can use again when I’m teaching. What about a cute summer dress? What am I expected to wear? What’s too dressy? While I have a lot of fashion knowledge, I am not sure exactly what these people won’t freak out about.  I do know one thing, I will have a fabulous pair of shoes to wear.

Maybe I’m being  narcissistic. Have I succumbed to megalomania? Why do I care?

I have about two weeks to get to look a little bit better, even if I don’t lose a pound (and at the rate I’ve been going I won’t) at least I’ll be more confident which is sexy.

Still, I’m freaking out.

Since, as I mentioned in my last post, I’m on vacation I’m going to scavenge the malls, T. J. Maxx, Marshall’s and any other store that sells women’s clothing. Maybe I’ll hit up some vintage shops.

Vacation is not supposed to be stressful, but since I moved away from my hometown and have gotten away from the critical eyes of my family, going back there has become difficult. Since I am on vacation time, I’m planning on spending as little time with my family as possible. I’m going to gallivant in the beautiful city I’m from instead. I’ll probably enjoy some shopping since the fashion their is top notch.

Wish me luck, I’m going to need it.