Learning Not to Starve/How I Learned to Feed Myself

Last fall, around October, I had a mental breakdown.  I was bitching to FH about teaching, my students, my weight–everything really. Because he is a wonderful and supportive man, he helped me through it and made me realize that putting in the effort level that I was putting into my teaching needed to be rerouted. I needed to focus on my writing and my career, not my students who didn’t give a f&%!.   Whenever I write, I feel so good. I feel great. Nourished. He reminded me that I needed to write and be nourished because my students weren’t putting the effort in. It was difficult for me to do this at first, but by the time the spring semester rolled around I did just that.

I have now started my memoir, and started work on a short story. Two things I’ve been meaning to do for months, and I finally got around to doing it this semester. I could not have done this if I had been too focused on my students. Still, while I’m proud of myself for reading and writing more, I do think I was terrible teacher this semester. I’m confident that my evaluations will reflect this.

Things I did very badly semester:

1. Took forever to grade student papers.

2. Didn’t respond to emails as quickly as I should have (if at all).

3. Didn’t encourage office hours.

4. Had an attitude of “I don’t give a hoot” all sememster.

5. Was lazy in my lesson planning.

I could go on, but I think these five crimes are enough to show you that I was a bad teacher.

While, yes, I was a bad teacher this semester, I do feel I became this way because when I did give my all, I didn’t get it back from students. While this is not an excuse, even teachers breakdown and need to be rewarded. Even if it is with students turning in their work.

I went digital this semester and only collected work through Blackboard. Having the students submit their work electronically had problems (possible post issue) and while I repeatedly went over the correct formatting and procedure, students continued to struggle with it. In part, I feel they may have been playing dumb in order for me to go the traditional hardcopy format of collecting papers. I also think they don’t listen.

When I look back on this semester, all I think about is how much my students complained to me (and my boss –at the one school) repeatedly. I think about how it was impossible to satisfy my students (and both bosses), how my assignments and methods were questioned continually by both my students and boss (at the one school). Most semesters I feel some moments of reward, incentive to come back next year. I can honestly say, if I I don’t get a teaching job for the fall I wouldn’t be upset in the slightest. I would be totally fine with it (barring I had something lined up that was salaried). In fact (I’ve probably mentioned this already), I’ve been applying for jobs outside of education.

This semester has made me realize that there is life outside of academia. There is a big world out there, and people with my skills can be used in any field. I don’t have to be a teacher.

My mom, my boss (at the school I like), and others have told me that I’m a great teacher. That it comes naturally. I have a gift apparently. Having been told this throughout my career, I never ventured outside of the school walls. When you have a gift, aren’t you supposed to use it? Aren’t you supposed to take that gift and help others with it? (God, I’m so Catholic sometimes) I love school, as both student and teacher, why leave a place that I feel so comfortable? The thing this is this year I haven’t felt comfortable. My hair has fallen out in clumps, since last May I’ve gained about 15 pounds, and I dreaded driving to work. Oh! and my panic attacks and migraines returned. My body gave me physical signs that I needed a change.

The last day of finals I woke up with my chest feeling heavy; I still needed to grade some papers and finalize my grades. As I drove away from campus, done for the semester, I felt lighter and happier. All I need now is a good cry to get out the negative energy still remaining in my system.

The fact that I haven’t been happy, and excited to work on teaching stuff is a culmination of many things. First off, I don’t love teaching the modes, I prefer teaching argument, literature, and of course creative writing. I have had the opportunity to teach argument, but the curriculum and textbook required were not suited to my teaching style at all. I teach a lot of lazy students at the community college level which is actually an extension of high school. Many of my students weren’t at the level necessary to really dig deep. They struggled with basic computer skills, and no concept of how to do research. Also, the lack of care that went into their work was unbelievable. They didn’t proofread, or acknowledge that there are rules of formatting at all. It’s like they just discovered different fonts and decided to experiment using Calbri and Garmound in my class. I think the real kicker as to why I haven’t been happy teaching this semester (okay, all year) was because I was repeatedly told by my bosses (both schools) that I’m too hard on  my students, that I don’t have compassion and am insensitive to the non-traditional student. They are right, I don’t give a f&*$. Get your work done. There is not an employer in the world who would tolerate excuses like: my kids were sick, or I didn’t understand the assignment so I just didn’t do it, or you didn’t respond to my email so I didn’t know how to move forward. Really? Give me an effing break.

So when I think about how I’ve changed because of this semester I realize that not only have I been writing more, but I’m reading more. I’m also really excited about the possibility of a career change (separate post on topic to follow). While I would take pretty much any salaried job that was in my field, that prospects in education don’t look so good, but maybe that’s a good thing. Don’t misunderstand me, I wouldn’t turn down a teaching job, but if I had the choice between a job outside of education (like copy editing or something like that) and a job in education, I think the job outside might win. Just the thought of leaving my work at work….oh sweet lord. If anything, I’m not going to settle. I’m going to turn something that could easily be a negative into an opportunity to refocus and change.

Teaching-wise, not my best year. Work-wise, not my best year. But, something great did come out of this year: more writing and really understanding that I need to be nourished by work. If I’m not going to be nourished and fed in education, then see you students later. Trust me, it’s your loss. I’ve never been one to starve myself.

I will keep you posted on the job hunt.

In It to Win It

Well, we’re slowly moving towards the middle of the semester.  My students have turned in their first papers and we are trucking through to the next. It is all happening so fast.

As you faithful readers know, I suck at making a schedule for myself. Well, nothing has changed so far. The only schedule I have been sticking to is my workout schedule. While I feel like this is a good start, I still need to get my teaching stuff in order–not having an office at work really blows–and desperately need a writing schedule.

I am thinking because I don’t have to be at work so early on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that I will get my writing done in the mornings. This will enable me to start my day off completely focused on my career.

For those of you future MFA graduates, the time has come to start applying for professor jobs. As much as I hate job hunting it is so important that the cover letters and all that business gets done soon. I only have to update my CV and write a bunch of cover letters, but I’m ready. Nothing, besides myself, can stop me from getting a kick ass professor job for next fall. I’m so ready.

I think all the yoga I’ve been doing has really gotten me focused and has cleared my head of all the BS.

Well, I hope all of you out there are writing your little hearts out. Between this blog, my blogging project, and my own fiction, nonfiction and novel work I know I’m about saturated.

Teaching, Writing, and Thesising: Oh My!

In One Mean MFA fashion I’m writing a blog post instead of just banging out the last ten–really 8 pages of my thesis essay. The essay is a discussion of my influences, my process, and why I write. As with everything related to my thesis, I’ve waited until the last minute to complete it. I know what I want to write, but as is the case with any of the writing I do, it’s not the conception, or the characters, or plot, or whatever that troubles me, it’s simply sitting down to do it.

As you know I’ve been teaching high school English since March, and while I’ve been surprising more productive despite being busy, I find myself entering my apartment after a long day of teaching teenagers and being unable to do anything intellectual. I would wake up earlier to get some writing done, but my only qualm with this is that I already wake up at 5:30.  How much earlier can I wake up? 4:30? I mean I would be able to get a good hour in of writing a day, but I’d have to hit the sack around 9ish and that is not going to happen.

Teaching wears me and while I know it’s going to sound terrible, I refuse to bring home any teacher stuff. All my grading and planning I do at school, at my desk, in my classroom. My first year teaching I used to lug around textbooks, papers, homework, and tests. Back and forth, I’d carry it into my house and work on it at the kitchen table; the same place I did homework in high school. Because I’ve been trying to stay focused on my thesis, I’ve decided that it’s more important to devote my kitchen table space to my work. Not my students’ work.

Still, even though I’m not grading or planning at home I can’t seem to get myself to be motivated enough to do anything when I finish teaching. I know I started teaching in the middle of a semester, but I”m looking forward to summer when I can have my days off to continue looking for an instructor or adjunct position in the area and get some writing done that doesn’t have anything to do with my thesis. Teaching high school again has really helped me decide what my priorities are and writing is definitely on top.

Making money is great; I’m not going to lie, but I can’t honestly say that when I wake up to go teach those high school kids that I’m truly content and satisfied. I found so much more happiness teaching college students how to write papers and got paid peanuts to do it. I got to see them grow as writers and thinkers. At the high school,I mostly witness new cheating techniques and different levels of complaints about how I chose the most horrible literature for them to read. I will say, on a positive note, that they are really enjoying the novel I’ve chosen for them; this is a refreshing change from all the complaining.

While I know everything will work itself out–I’ll get that essay done, finish those last-minute touches, and manage to be super teacher–right now I wish I had a little more motivation to finish the measly 2500 words I have left to write.

I will add, in an effort to be positive, I have been enjoying thinking about my process and what I learned about myself as I wrote my very first novel. It’s also quite awesome that I get to write about myself for 10 pages. Can’t complain about that.

Now that I’m feeling more focused and ready to work, I think I’ll get to it. Who knows I might get it all done tonight.

I’m Back!

I know, I know. I’m a terrible person. I haven’t written in ages and I would understand if you all stopped reading because my posting has been inconsistent. I blame this inconsistency on the current lack of structure in my life. I’m not good at life when I have nowhere to be. I slack off on everything, my writing, my workouts, my diet, and anything else that it’s important.

This however will change soon. I have been looking for a teaching job since I moved to this new city and have finally landed one. While I know I’m more than qualified to teach, the competition here is stiff. Believe it or not, I’m currently living in a city with an over abundance of teachers. The counties and state are at a hiring freeze, so it’s a miracle (Thanks St. Joe for looking out for me) that I got this job and was hired laterally. My whole life my family, all of whom are teachers, has told me that there is security in teaching. Not so much. I’ve learned there isn’t security in any field.

That being said, I can’t wait. I didn’t think I’d miss teaching as much as I do. My fall semester classes ended early December and I haven’t taught a thing since then. The job I will start on Monday is a high school job. I’ll be teaching American Literature to honors juniors. I’ve been working on the syllabus (I finally finished it, and need to type it up) and have now planned every class including homework, tests, projects, and presentations until the last day school. I’m a psycho like that. I hate starting a teaching job and not knowing the direction and arc of the course.

As I worked on this syllabus I was shocked at how much I loved American literature. My first high school teaching job was British literature and I was sure nothing could ever top the great Brits! I might be wrong. It could also be that I’m such a book nerd that the places the writers are from has nothing to do with it. It’s just that I love good writing.

So, readers. Faithful and not so faithful you can expect more posts from now on. I promise. Pinky promise, even.

I face a great challenge. My thesis revision is not complete, though it is coming along (more on that soon). I’m set to graduate in August and I’ve decided to start another master’s degree so I can get a professional teaching license in this state as a back up. I hope I won’t have to teach high school for long, although I’d rather teach high school than not teach at all.

God-willing I’ll find a professor or instructor position for the fall. I’ve noticed the colleges and universities in the area have started to post some.

For past three months I’ve had no excuses to work on my thesis and have still not spent enough time on it, now I’ll have excuses but will have to fight the urge to procrastinate and just do it. That is another reason I did hardcore planning on my syllabus because I think it will save me so much time in the end. Still, I’m a bit nervous about trying to do too much. I need to finish my thesis, graduate, apply to another graduate school, and apply for instructor positions. And for those of you who are still on the job hunt, or have recently gone off the job hunt you know that finding a job is a full-time job. Though I’m slightly ashamed to admit this, there were days when I considered job giving up. It can really weigh you down when you got to interview after interview or send out application after application and get nothing back. There were days when I felt truly defeated and I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous about what’s going to happen after this job ends because it might not be an available teaching job for the fall, which could be a good thing because it will force me to try even harder to get a job at a university, but having job security makes sleeping a lot easier.

If you’re out there looking and looking do NOT quit. I can say it because, I thought about just being a starving writer. The thing is, I don’t do starving.

Hysterical Appreciation

A month ago I turned my thesis rough draft in. I busted my ass to get it done in time and the last few days I spent working on it I was convinced completing the rough draft of this novel would never happen.

It did.

I was surprised that I did it, having under estimated myself, something I do too often and is a result of my destructively low self-esteem. Seeing the manuscript printed and ready to be mailed to my professor was pretty cool. A stack of papers, half a ream of paper…whoa. The work I had done, had me on track to graduate in Spring.

I neglected to think that my thesis chair would ask me to push back my graduation, so after a failed job interview (yes, I’m still unemployed–this economy is so terrible–Great Recession, try Depression) I received an email from my chair telling me my thesis wasn’t ready for a spring graduation. My chair was kind enough to acknowledge that informing over email was harsh, but I was scheduled for a visit the following week. I’m relieved my professor told me over email because I read the email and in my already emotional state, I was hysterical. I cried and cried and cried.

I was failure. A big fat failure.

Well, after my breakdown I drove to my boyfriend’s (this seems like a luxury since for the past four years I was only able to call him, now if I get upset he gives me a hug instead of kind words over the phone miles away from each other). He helped me realize that now my thesis would be even better than if I were to graduate in Spring. I’d have three more months to make it perfect, to make it something I will be proud of.

Having a thesis I love is something very important to me. My chair knew this from the get go. My chair gives great criticism and holds me to the highest standards. This is initially why I asked this professor to be my chair. During our meeting my chair said, “It’s already good, I just want to see you take it to the next level.” That felt good. I should mention my chair doesn’t give complements out willy nilly.

I now have new deadlines. The program I’m enrolled requires M.F.A.’s to turn in a completed rough draft at the beginning of the semester they are going to graduate. Since I anticipated a spring graduation I turned my thesis in this January. Now that I’m graduating in summer my “rough draft” is due at the end of May or beginning of June. The final version is due in July and the defense is at the end of July and graduation is in August.

While this seems like a ton of time, it isn’t. Before I know it will be May and I’ll be turning it another “rough draft” which I’m hoping needs minimal revisions.

My chair was very encouraging during our meeting, pointing out my growth as a writer and easing my worries about certain aspects of my novel. Since the general concept of my novel has the potential to be cliché, I was worried this might happen, I was assured it had not.

I left my meeting almost relieved that I would have more time to write a thesis that I can be proud of and can hopefully get published. 

I have a friend from grad school who had the same thing happen to her. She turned in her rough draft and her chair advised her to push back her graduation to summer. She wrote a collection of poems for her thesis. When I was venting to her about my disappointment she told me how the same thing had happened to her. She then told me that every poem in her thesis has been published and one of her poems won a prestigious award. Hearing this made me feel better.

While my goal is to produce the best thesis possible, it would be pretty cool to have written a book that can be picked up at Barnes and Noble.

A Quick Update

So, I’m done with my rough draft (PRAISE JESUS!) and am trying to get through another large document for my thesis. This one is more of a “why I write” and “these writer’s changed my life” sort of document. I do need to do some major revisions for my novel, but I’ve put it on the back burner for now because I didn’t even want to look at my thesis. I am currently compiling a list of “what I learned when writing my first novel” which I am eager to share with all of you.

While writing and graduating are my top priority the first of the month is approaching and I’m still unemployed. I’m starting to get freaked out. I paid my electric, so at least I’ll have power for one more month. Ha! Well, I’m quite overwhelmed and have so much discuss and not enough time to write it all out.

Eventually, I’ll get a rhythm. I had a great rhythm when I was banging out those pages, I just have to adjust to another deadline.

Back to work and job hunting.

Week One: Write Everyday or Else…

Well now that the semester has come to a close, I handed in my last paper early, and input my grades, I’m given an extra week to simply focus on my thesis. This next month promises to be chaotic. Yesterday, I moved out my apartment by school and drove my stuff to parents house, which is an hour away. Because I own 12 boxes just of books, I had to make two trips. Needless to say, yesterday was tiresome.

I think my boyfriend’s excitement that I’m going to be moving has got him hyped up. He’s flying me up in order to escort him to a semi-formal work Christmas thing then we’re driving to my parent’s house to load up the U-Haul only to head back to his city. After a brief unpacking, I’m headed back down to my parents’ place. I have a wedding to attend, I’ll stay through Christmas, then I drive back up to live permanently. Whoa.

All the while, my completed rough draft is due the week of January 14th. I’m a little less than halfway through my novel, so this month we learn if this chick can bang out a novel in about 6 weeks. This deadline is if I want to graduate in Spring, which I do. I’m quite tired of the student life.

While, I’m quite nervous about getting it done because of all the traveling and the insane atmosphere at my parents’ house with the renovations, my mom’s chemo, and oh! I forgot to tell you all, my other sister moved back in and her life is quite the wreck. I’m  sure this holiday season promises to aid in some short story/essay material for my post novel-writing days.  I think this month will be a true test of my writerly passion. I’m going to be forced to write EVERYDAY, which is what all great writer’s do. I’m ashamed to admit, I don’t do this.

I’ve never written every day because I’ve always had excuses, well now there is no excuse, I’m not taking any classes, I don’t have papers to grade, hell I don’t even have a job (another post on that to come later I’m sure). There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t write everyday. It will still be tough, because my mom is sick, and I want so desperately for her to be able to heal in a clean house which isn’t cluttered. We shall see how this all turns out.

In an attempt to chronicle my progress every Monday I’ll post on the issues of writing everyday, and how far I’ve gotten in my thesis by Monday, January 11th, I’d like to have a starter sentence that reads: “This week I’ll be putting the finishing touches on my completed thesis rough draft.”

This next 6 weeks I have to write everyday. I’m hoping it’s what gets me in the groove to continue to do it even after my thesis is completed.

I’ve heard that when starting to exercise regularly it takes 6-8 weeks to see results. Well this month I start a new exercise program for my mind and I’m hoping at the end of the 6 weeks I’m transformed into a devoted writer.

The writing workshop friend or foe?

The workshop. This is the class us MFA’s covet. It’s why we spend hours and days applying to grad school. It’s the deadlines of workshop that force some of us to even write at all. So why have I hated workshops this past year?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. As an undergraduate I was obsessed with the workshop. It was fun, not that much work s far as reading was concerned, and the energy in the classroom was positive and helpful. It was in these workshops that the best classroom discussion as a student happened. When I started grad school this fall, I was stoked to have a workshop in my schedule. While this workshop was not terrible, it wasn’t satisfying. I never left feeling the way I do when I eat a delicious cheeseburger and fries. I left class as if having eaten a mediocre salad from a place like Applebee’s. Some nights of this fall workshop, I felt as if I’d ordered dessert, but usually it was just the salad.

This spring, I was enrolled in two workshops that I will say were both even bigger disappointments than the fall workshop. One of course was better than other, but the one that sucked the most sucked for many reasons, I’ve been trying to decipher. Knowing what the issues were can only help make me a better student and hopefully future teacher of the workshop.

One of the workshops was a novel workshop. This was the one that didn’t suck as bad as the poetry one. The issue with novel workshop was that our professor, I felt, didn’t ask  us  enough questions during discussion. It would either be what this professor thought, and three or four students leading the discussion. The amount of suggestions to improve our work was minimal and these suggestions ,as the course progressed, became contradictory. For instance, the first installment I submitted I was told, by the class and my professor to slow down, and be more description then when the second installment that was workshopped, I was told I had used too much description. I was confused, but decided I was the writer and would do as I pleased.

Poetry workshop this past spring was a nightmare. It was nothing but a bunch of poets and their egos, including the professor. While I will say I was fortunate to receive helpful suggestions from my professor and two or three classmates in general the workshop discussions centered around two or three students who dominated discussion. These students didn’t offer advice just insults, saying things like, ” I can’t get anything out of this poem,” and “this poem is too descriptive, it makes me nauseous.” These are really comments not embelished, just truth.

There was always a negative and awkward energy in this poetry workshop and by the end of the spring, I had decided that having two more workshops left was a Godsend because I was over the workshop atmosphere. I had signed up for the summer workshop being offered simply to fulfill graduation requirements.

Here’s the thing, last night we workshopped for the first time, and while I wasn’t the one being workshopped I still felt satisfied. It was wonderful. Everyone was positive and had wonderful suggestions. The criticisms were well thought out and not said offensively and the writers didn’t take offense to what was said. It was a circle of happiness, and for the first time in grad school I’m looking forward to workshop. I’ve fallen in love with workshop all over again.

After leaving class so satisfied I tried to figure out why it had been such a great class. You know, really analyze it to death and remove the magic from it. I’ve decided it’s the professor who is running it. This professor, while super structured demands that we hand in written comments as part of our grade, and has a structure for these comments. Because there is so much structure the questions the professor asks lead to people making really helpful suggestions.

I am being workshopped on Tuesday and can’t wait. I’m looking forward to getting advice then rushing home and making alterations and adding to this summer project. It’s so nice to take a class or start a project that reminds you why you’re doing what you’re doing in the first place. Last night and these past two or three days have been like that for me, I’ve been reminded why I am in an MFA program and why I love to write.

You call this a Break? HA!

So the spring semester has come to its end and in a week summer classes will commence. In. One. Week.

I’m fine with having only seven days to rejuvenate and refresh, what I have a problem with is professors who assign readings before class has even started.

W.

T.

F.

All semester we have to read and write and do work. Can’t we have a week to not think and just be? I mean really. Isn’t it bad enough we don’t get a spring break because we’re catching up on the semesters work on top of having work assigned over spring break.

I’ve been teaching now for two years and when I started I was teaching high school. While spring break doesn’t carry the same weight with high school students as it does with college students, it still is a well deserved break. I will sadly admit I nearly gave into the temptation to assign a book to read, but I decided against it. It was their break, their time to refresh, hit restart. Assigning work would have just pushed them towards burning out. I also didn’t assign work to my college students during their spring break, since it felt like a cruel punishment.

Here’s the thing, I get it, it’s a summer class there are only 6 weeks to do 18 weeks of work, but it’s SUMMER. Come ON!  Students enrolled in summer classes have most likely gone through fall and spring classess as well. This is our week to recover. I don’t for see much recovery for myself. In the short time I have off these are the few assignments I must have done by next week. Part of this work load stems from my having to have complete draft of my thesis by December, but still.

1) Read about 80pgs for one class

2) Read another 30 something pages for another class

Let me stress reading 150 pages isn’t that big of a deal. I promise I’m not that much a lame ass complainer. What I have a problem with is:

3) Having to write about 60-80 pages of my novel for my thesis chair.

I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get number three done. I’m being a realist and have also decided that refreshing is more important than writing. I know I know, what kind of writer am I?

Oh let’s not forget number four.

4) Read Dante’s Inferno to help my little sister in high school with a ridiculous paper she has to write. Have I mentioned I’ve never read Dante before? Well I haven’t, this should be some great light reading to do while I’m on vacation…

I feel like a giant complainer, but you know what? It’s my blog and if I want to complain and be a baby I will be. Actually, after I wrote out what I needed to get to done I realized, it’s actually not that much. I’ve already finished the first 150 pgs of reading today. So, I’m doing pretty awesome. I don’t officially leave for vacation until Wednesday, I wonder if I could bang out twenty pages of writing by tomorrow night?

Your thoughts on assigning work during summer and spring break? I’d love to hear from the teachers and professors out there.

The writing experiment: Part One

After a semester and a half of hearing students complain about the horrible prompts I am making them write I’ve decided it’s time to do something about it. First some background. The composition program at the university that I teach at has a reader and from that reader prompts, written by our department head are used. Although TA’s are encouraged to write their own prompts and sequences, many of us use the sequence and prompts provided for us. It makes our lives easier, which I believe is the departement head’s objective.

There are some issues. The book is new and is being reworked into a national edition and not all the sequences have been attempted in the classroom. Because of this the only way to see if a sequenence or prompt works is to use in the classroom. Last semester the prompts and readings went over well with the students. There were complaints but they were expected because we were making our students think and work. This semester however the complaints are warrented. The prompts are horrible and the readings are not much better. Although the readings, I don’t think, are the problem. This semester plain and simple it’s the prompts that are creating the problem.

So what am I going to do about it? I figured something had to be done because I was about to have a mutany on my hands and was not so thrilled about my students suddenly standing in the middle of lesson screaming “Mutany! Get her!” It seems as if we are headed in that direction. So to prevent being tied or taped to desk with a sign on my forehead that says, “I’m a terrible teacher” I’ve decided to let the students write their own prompt.

Tomorrow I will begin this experient. I’m first going to show them what the prompt is that was given for this reading, then as a class we are going to write our own. We will have established goals before writing the prompt looking at how the readings connect, what we as writers hope to accomplish and learn through the prompt and then ask the question that will give us the prompt. After the prompt has been written the class will vote, their prompt or the department’s. I was actually thinking of having them chose their prompt or the department prompt which would also provide me with a bit more variety when it came time to grade these papers.

I will further update you readers on the outcome of this experient. I do have some concerns. 1) Will they treat this assignment as a joke? 2) How can I get them to think in terms of writing a prompt? 3) Do I tweak the prompt to make it better for them by giving them suggestions?

I would love any feedback you guys have on this. Have any of you done something like this? If so would you do it again? If yes why? If no, why not? Do you have any suggestions for how to go about this?