Learning Not to Starve/How I Learned to Feed Myself

Last fall, around October, I had a mental breakdown.  I was bitching to FH about teaching, my students, my weight–everything really. Because he is a wonderful and supportive man, he helped me through it and made me realize that putting in the effort level that I was putting into my teaching needed to be rerouted. I needed to focus on my writing and my career, not my students who didn’t give a f&%!.   Whenever I write, I feel so good. I feel great. Nourished. He reminded me that I needed to write and be nourished because my students weren’t putting the effort in. It was difficult for me to do this at first, but by the time the spring semester rolled around I did just that.

I have now started my memoir, and started work on a short story. Two things I’ve been meaning to do for months, and I finally got around to doing it this semester. I could not have done this if I had been too focused on my students. Still, while I’m proud of myself for reading and writing more, I do think I was terrible teacher this semester. I’m confident that my evaluations will reflect this.

Things I did very badly semester:

1. Took forever to grade student papers.

2. Didn’t respond to emails as quickly as I should have (if at all).

3. Didn’t encourage office hours.

4. Had an attitude of “I don’t give a hoot” all sememster.

5. Was lazy in my lesson planning.

I could go on, but I think these five crimes are enough to show you that I was a bad teacher.

While, yes, I was a bad teacher this semester, I do feel I became this way because when I did give my all, I didn’t get it back from students. While this is not an excuse, even teachers breakdown and need to be rewarded. Even if it is with students turning in their work.

I went digital this semester and only collected work through Blackboard. Having the students submit their work electronically had problems (possible post issue) and while I repeatedly went over the correct formatting and procedure, students continued to struggle with it. In part, I feel they may have been playing dumb in order for me to go the traditional hardcopy format of collecting papers. I also think they don’t listen.

When I look back on this semester, all I think about is how much my students complained to me (and my boss –at the one school) repeatedly. I think about how it was impossible to satisfy my students (and both bosses), how my assignments and methods were questioned continually by both my students and boss (at the one school). Most semesters I feel some moments of reward, incentive to come back next year. I can honestly say, if I I don’t get a teaching job for the fall I wouldn’t be upset in the slightest. I would be totally fine with it (barring I had something lined up that was salaried). In fact (I’ve probably mentioned this already), I’ve been applying for jobs outside of education.

This semester has made me realize that there is life outside of academia. There is a big world out there, and people with my skills can be used in any field. I don’t have to be a teacher.

My mom, my boss (at the school I like), and others have told me that I’m a great teacher. That it comes naturally. I have a gift apparently. Having been told this throughout my career, I never ventured outside of the school walls. When you have a gift, aren’t you supposed to use it? Aren’t you supposed to take that gift and help others with it? (God, I’m so Catholic sometimes) I love school, as both student and teacher, why leave a place that I feel so comfortable? The thing this is this year I haven’t felt comfortable. My hair has fallen out in clumps, since last May I’ve gained about 15 pounds, and I dreaded driving to work. Oh! and my panic attacks and migraines returned. My body gave me physical signs that I needed a change.

The last day of finals I woke up with my chest feeling heavy; I still needed to grade some papers and finalize my grades. As I drove away from campus, done for the semester, I felt lighter and happier. All I need now is a good cry to get out the negative energy still remaining in my system.

The fact that I haven’t been happy, and excited to work on teaching stuff is a culmination of many things. First off, I don’t love teaching the modes, I prefer teaching argument, literature, and of course creative writing. I have had the opportunity to teach argument, but the curriculum and textbook required were not suited to my teaching style at all. I teach a lot of lazy students at the community college level which is actually an extension of high school. Many of my students weren’t at the level necessary to really dig deep. They struggled with basic computer skills, and no concept of how to do research. Also, the lack of care that went into their work was unbelievable. They didn’t proofread, or acknowledge that there are rules of formatting at all. It’s like they just discovered different fonts and decided to experiment using Calbri and Garmound in my class. I think the real kicker as to why I haven’t been happy teaching this semester (okay, all year) was because I was repeatedly told by my bosses (both schools) that I’m too hard on  my students, that I don’t have compassion and am insensitive to the non-traditional student. They are right, I don’t give a f&*$. Get your work done. There is not an employer in the world who would tolerate excuses like: my kids were sick, or I didn’t understand the assignment so I just didn’t do it, or you didn’t respond to my email so I didn’t know how to move forward. Really? Give me an effing break.

So when I think about how I’ve changed because of this semester I realize that not only have I been writing more, but I’m reading more. I’m also really excited about the possibility of a career change (separate post on topic to follow). While I would take pretty much any salaried job that was in my field, that prospects in education don’t look so good, but maybe that’s a good thing. Don’t misunderstand me, I wouldn’t turn down a teaching job, but if I had the choice between a job outside of education (like copy editing or something like that) and a job in education, I think the job outside might win. Just the thought of leaving my work at work….oh sweet lord. If anything, I’m not going to settle. I’m going to turn something that could easily be a negative into an opportunity to refocus and change.

Teaching-wise, not my best year. Work-wise, not my best year. But, something great did come out of this year: more writing and really understanding that I need to be nourished by work. If I’m not going to be nourished and fed in education, then see you students later. Trust me, it’s your loss. I’ve never been one to starve myself.

I will keep you posted on the job hunt.

Week One: Write Everyday or Else…

Well now that the semester has come to a close, I handed in my last paper early, and input my grades, I’m given an extra week to simply focus on my thesis. This next month promises to be chaotic. Yesterday, I moved out my apartment by school and drove my stuff to parents house, which is an hour away. Because I own 12 boxes just of books, I had to make two trips. Needless to say, yesterday was tiresome.

I think my boyfriend’s excitement that I’m going to be moving has got him hyped up. He’s flying me up in order to escort him to a semi-formal work Christmas thing then we’re driving to my parent’s house to load up the U-Haul only to head back to his city. After a brief unpacking, I’m headed back down to my parents’ place. I have a wedding to attend, I’ll stay through Christmas, then I drive back up to live permanently. Whoa.

All the while, my completed rough draft is due the week of January 14th. I’m a little less than halfway through my novel, so this month we learn if this chick can bang out a novel in about 6 weeks. This deadline is if I want to graduate in Spring, which I do. I’m quite tired of the student life.

While, I’m quite nervous about getting it done because of all the traveling and the insane atmosphere at my parents’ house with the renovations, my mom’s chemo, and oh! I forgot to tell you all, my other sister moved back in and her life is quite the wreck. I’m  sure this holiday season promises to aid in some short story/essay material for my post novel-writing days.  I think this month will be a true test of my writerly passion. I’m going to be forced to write EVERYDAY, which is what all great writer’s do. I’m ashamed to admit, I don’t do this.

I’ve never written every day because I’ve always had excuses, well now there is no excuse, I’m not taking any classes, I don’t have papers to grade, hell I don’t even have a job (another post on that to come later I’m sure). There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t write everyday. It will still be tough, because my mom is sick, and I want so desperately for her to be able to heal in a clean house which isn’t cluttered. We shall see how this all turns out.

In an attempt to chronicle my progress every Monday I’ll post on the issues of writing everyday, and how far I’ve gotten in my thesis by Monday, January 11th, I’d like to have a starter sentence that reads: “This week I’ll be putting the finishing touches on my completed thesis rough draft.”

This next 6 weeks I have to write everyday. I’m hoping it’s what gets me in the groove to continue to do it even after my thesis is completed.

I’ve heard that when starting to exercise regularly it takes 6-8 weeks to see results. Well this month I start a new exercise program for my mind and I’m hoping at the end of the 6 weeks I’m transformed into a devoted writer.

Bring it on, but be gentle

Today during orientation my classmates and I were talking about, “if I had one more week of vacation” and one of my friends said, “If had one more week I’d just squander it” and I replied with, “that’s exactly what I’d like to do, a week of doing nothing.” This summer has been a whirlwind of classes, teaching, and  writing. Unfortunately, I didn’t do as much writing as I planned, but I was very productive.

I noticed that while I was teaching and taking a class the second half of summer, my writing was totally put on the back burner and I now am really behind on my thesis. I know my thesis is mostly a matter of just sitting down and doing it, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to get my schedule in order.

During orientation as we were discussing our syllabi I realized how my “super teacher” attitude has been decimated. The past few semesters when I’ve had to design a course, I’ve always been super excited to pick the readings and write the assignments. That is one the best aspects of teaching, getting that fresh start every few months.

This fall, however, I find myself not really caring about the course I’m designing. I just want to fulfill the minimum requirements and be done by December, holding a rough draft of my novel ready for revision. Have I become a victim of the teaching assistant mentality? I know when I was in undergrad, I had teaching assistants who were clearly busy with their own work and put teaching on the back burner and  find myself doing it too.

Since I was kid I’ve always done everything at 110 percent and now I’m getting ready to start teaching and I know I just can’t give 110 percent and do my thesis well; and while I’m a student first, I don’t want to disservice my students by only having them do the bare minimum. I do think that I put too much of myself into my teaching and too little into my writing and it should be the other way around and maybe grad school is the place where I have to learn to balance my needs and wants with others. If that is the case, I say, “bring it on world” because I’ve always put everyone else first and I think it’s time for a little “me” time.

I would love some suggestions on how I can balance teaching, writing and being a student. Maybe I just need someone to tell me that it’s okay for my students to complete the bare minimum as long as we both do it at 110 percent. Motivation please….

Practice Makes Perfect

So while ago I wrote about my non-existent writing schedule. I am proud to say it is no longer non-existent.

Initially when I started grad school I was writing only when I had deadlines. I think this is an issue with a lot MFA students. We are so bogged down with our literature classes and writing feedback for our classmates for workshop that we neglect our own work. I know that was my issue.

I’m currently enrolled in a three year program that requires both literature classes as well as workshops. The amount of literature  credits that I am required to take is three credits short of receiving an MA. It’s quite literature intensive, and because of the heavy focus on literature courses I knew I’d need a writing schedule that would enable me to write my own stuff.

If I continued to let my deadline system continue to be the only drive I had to write, all I’d have written is a crappy thesis I’d be embarrassed to revise, and way too many literature papers than I’d know what to do with. When would I produce anything else?

I was discussing this with my thesis chair. My professor suggested I write first thing in the morning, so that  ”then it’s done.” I could move on with my day not worried about not having written anything because it would have been done as my first cup of coffee was being finished.

Since I didn’t have any kind of schedule I decided to give it a shot. I will say I was concerned writing in the morning was going to effect my workout routine. I enjoy running in the morning because it hasn’t gotten so hot yet and I can usually beat whatever weather issue my area may be having. In order to prevent any kind of interruption to my running regimen I set my alarm an hour earlier and decided I’d write for an hour first thing in the morning, then run, then shower and finish up the rest of my classwork.

Well, I will say it totally works for me.  I always thought that I was a nocturnal writer; that my best work flowed from my brain in the late hours of the night. Au Contraire! After a decent night of rest (who get’s good sleep anymore or ever, I know I sure don’t) I’m able to think clearly and focus. The best part of this writing in the morning thing is if that hour of writing sucks I get to run it out of my system and know I’ll be better the next morning or if I have a little bit of time to spare in the evening after class I can try again.

I’m so glad to have found my groove. I was hoping that would be something that I learned in grad school and it seems that after a year I have.

I know that not everyone is a morning person. I definitely am. Actually, I’m kind of an insomniac but I think I prefer the morning to night as far as being productive is concerned. Regardless of the kind of person you are, I think the trick to finding a writing schedule is to force yourself to set aside an allotted amount of time EVERYDAY.

Maybe you don’t have an hour to spare, then give yourself  twenty minutes. I know I waste twenty minutes here and there all day everyday, why not write during that time instead?

I’m sure when the fall starts or when I start my summer teaching I may have to cut my hour down to 45 minutes or even to half an hour, still I don’t plan on stopping my schedule all together because “I’m busy.” My thesis and my writing career are too important.  Plus, I think this is true with so many skills…Practice makes perfect.

This has become my mantra: Practice makes perfect, practice makes perfect and so I encourage all you writers out there to remember that when you are in a slump and can’t “find time to write” you won’t get any better unless you write. That poem, essay, story or novel won’t write itself.

Practice makes perfect.

Tell me this isn’t depressing…

Friday night has arrived and I’m dying to just DO something. Doing something can and would include: starbucks with friends, movies, bowling, renting a movie, going out for a drink, dancing, getting out of this room, and whatever else. Here is the problem: I have about ten bucks in my checking account waiting for student loans and my summer job to start. While the money situation is of course an aspect of being a GTA it’s getting old.I’m trying to avoid spending money except for on groceries and books I need for school.

I was going to go to the moviecube or blockbuster to rent a movie but here’s the thing my DVD player only plays movies in black and white and I think the sound is questionable. So my Blockbuster trip would be a very expensive one since I’d have to stop at Best Buy to buy a new DVD player.

 I’m itching for some kind of interaction. While I’m so glad one of closest friends from grad school is having a bbq tomorrow I still would like to do something tonight. Something that isn’t going to break the bank. I decided not to go to Best Buy and get that DVD player so I’m stuck here. Going to a place like Barnes and Noble is an unnecessary temptation. Delicious coffee and sweets,and even more delicous books. This is not a good idea.

My room is spick and span so cleaning is out of the question. Friday is my cleaning day so I’ve already done my chores. Some of you may ask, what about that boyfriend you occasionally alude to. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he lives 1000 miles away, so even couch time with the bf is not an option. Writing all this out is kind of making me a little bit emotional.

I have books and writing I could and probably should be doing for class but I desperatly need a break from homework. Although, the more I think about it I probably should do some more work today since tomorrow is going to be a day spent amoung friends. Tomorrow could be my break.

I’m done with the mindless television. TV gets lame after awhile, especially when you have the very basic cable package that doesn’t include HBO. I’ll proably do some mindless internet surfing for a while, maybe even research a bit for my novel. Sit in my bed and read. Not sure exactly what I’ll read but God knows there’s plenty reading material in this room.

I hope you aren’t reading this but are doing something recreational.

I know I’m such the Negative Nancy today. It’ll get better. I have to tell myself this. The hardwork pays off. This too shall pass, this too shall pass.

A Good Kick in the Ass

It’s so funny how once that deadline is right in front you and you have no choice but to get it done, you do it.

So, of course, because my deadline has arrived I’m sitting at the computer, and I’m banging out those pages, thinking “why didn’t I just shut up and do this in the first place?”  I love writing, and I’m totally invested in my project. I have to tell this story. I’ve been called on by the muses to do so.

Yesterday my very cute boyfriend pointed out to me that if I had spent the time I was spending complaining and wondering why I was wasting time on actually writing I would have been done, and focused. He also pointed out to me something I hadn’t really thought about. He said my head was in the future. I am able to see that light at the end of the tunnel and because of this I need to keep my head in May and work day by day and not worry so much about December. He said something that stuck with me, “now is the time you need to be the most focused.” How very true. If I lose focus now, December will come and go and I’ll have an unfinished project and failing grades. This will mean I’m no where closer to my goals.

While I think I knew all of this before it was pointed out to me, I think sometimes I need it pointed out to me from an outsider. Someone like him, who I know has my best interest in mind. I’m really grateful I have him in my life because he supports me and gives me a kick in the ass when I so need one.

A list of excuses

All I have to do is finish this paper and summer is here, but I can’t seem to get it done. I keep finding new reasons not to work on this paper. Reasons like:

1) there is a sale on sundresses

2) I am brain fried

3) it’s beautiful outside

4) I hate my desk

5) I need ink for my printer

6) I’m too jittery from the coffee

7) I need to make food for the week

8) It’s Sunday, and by working on this paper I’m not following the 3rd commandment.

9) It’s not due until Tuesday morning so technically I have all of Monday to finish it

10) What’s 35% of my grade?

11) With summer here I should really paint my toes

12) I can’t concentrate unless everything is tidy, I should clean my room.

 

And I could keep going,  but it would further justify that I’m about two seconds away from going to the mall to look for sundresses. I think I’ll bang out two more pages and then look for some sundresses.

I would love to compile a really great list of excuses…please feel free to leave some suggestions or thoughts.

Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry I haven’t posted in forever, it’s the end of the semester and the work is piled high. I promise to get back on track soon. The update for the writing experiment is coming soon.

Seven Days of Nothingness

Spring Break has arrived. In fact, it’s almost over. Here is my issue: Even with seven days of nothingness to get some work done, possibly get ahead so that the end of the semester doesn’t come crashing down around me, I still feel like I don’t have enough time.

After compiling a list of work to do for school, I have managed to squeeze in about 2 hours for myself to attend a museum which has an Andy Warhol exhibit going on. I thought this exhibit would also be cool to see since I’m currently enrolled in a course dealing with post-modern literature and after reading some theorists who spoke about Andy Warhol I thought, “Hey, I can check out what they hell they are talking about and not use google images.”

While it is only Wednesday and yes, there are quite a few hours left in the day to do work, I feel fried. I’ve been reading One Hundred Years of Solitude and while it is a really good read, I feel like it might be nice to finish the Twilight series over break. There is nothing wrong with a trashy read every now and then. I feel like in order for me to be ready for next week I’m actually going to have to stay up late, but not to drink and be merry with friends or to watch a movie or anything fun. I’m going to be staying up so that I won’t feel guilty when I’m at the museum and I’ll know come Monday I’ll be ready to kick some school work ass.

While I am well aware, as my boyfriend reminds me that I “signed up for this,” I still wish I wouldn’t feel so bad when I wasn’t doing work. I mentioned in an older post about having grad student guilt and I don’t know if guilt is something that comes easy to me because of the the Catholic upbringing but when I took 30 minutes to prepare lunch today and had the TV while I ate it, I felt bad.

I will say I’m glad I’m in this program and I’m really glad that I’m doing it at a faster rate (I’m squeezing a three year program into two). I know that is part of the reason why I’ve got so much to do and while the next few semesters will be exhausting the reward of having completed it will replace the stress. For now, I guess I need to just deal with the guilt, get the work done and stop complaining.

I’m glad I have this blog to vent about this stuff because my co-workers simply tell me I’m crazy for taking four classes. The funny thing is I don’t find the school work is what takes up so much of my time, it’s dealing with student excuses, grading papers, and planning lessons that actually eats away at my school work. While I do love teaching, sometimes I think I’m not being a very good teacher because, let’s be honest, I’m a student first and everything else second.

I was discussing this whole idea of teaching cutting into my time as a student with one of my professors. She made a great comment that I have taken to heart. She said, “you have to do what is best for you first, then worry about everything else.” I think she’s right. That’s why, although I will feel guilty at the museum tomorrow and while sometimes I cut my runs short because I have ton of work to do, I still do the stuff that is important for me. I do my school work, my exercise, and even manage to occasionally squeeze a little entertainment in my life.

The teaching stuff, while important, comes second. When I’m a full time professor and I’m not living below the poverty line I will then spend more time being a great teacher. I do the best with the time and resources that I have and while I still carry that grad student guilt I’m going to enjoy what’s left of this week, put off reading the Twilight series but enjoy the museum and not having to be on campus.

How does that sound?

Procrastination Makes it Happen

I feel guilt on Saturday. Although, in general I feel guilt (must be the Catholic upbringing), I experience it even more so on Saturday. Waking up late at 8:30 instead of 6:30 and bumming around until noon, then maybe doing some school work and grading papers is starting to take its toll on me. Not because, suddenly the semester is coming to a close and I realize, “holy shit” I have a lot of crap to do, but because I realize how much more productive I could have been.

Yes, I’ve taken some Saturdays off, maybe too many, and today I’m even going to indulge in dinner and movie with some friends (oh my God I’m so excited to see “Twilight”). Here’s the thing though, by saying “taking a Saturday off” I don’t mean, sleeping until 1 and then nursing a hangover. I mean instead of grading and maybe working on some fiction, it’s only grading half of the “beautifully” written essays and not reading.

What is my problem?

After speaking to some friends about this, they too have what I’m going to call the “grad student guilt.” It comes with the following symptoms.

1) Feeling so overwhelmed, you can’t focus to do anything.

2) Telling everyone and their mother how much crap you should have done, but didn’t.

3) A feeling of disappointment in yourself.

4) Saying you’re going to the library to do work, but getting sucked into Starbucks with your laptop open, not to a word document, but Facebook.

5) A generalized feeling of “it’s time to do work.”

These are just some of the symptoms I’ve noticed in my colleagues. I think this kind of “grad student guilt” can take its form in many other ways. Like renting season 2 of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and vegetating on the couch to finish it, (why is that finishing a TV series makes us feel so accomplished?) or organizing your bookshelf, or scrubbing the bathroom clean, or pulling the stove out and cleaning behind it for the third time this month.  I’m just saying.

Do any of you know what I’m talking about? Please share.