Insert Title about Moving Here

Tomorrow is the last day of regular classes before the semester ends. I’m thorough thrilled because once I move into my new apartment (which will happen this weekend), I will finally have some time to get some grading done.

I shamefully admit that moving has taken a huge chunk out of my workout time, and I feel like a disgusting slob who is going to look like fat bride (in a year) if I don’t my butt in gear. I’m so grateful that I get the keys to my new place on Friday so I can get this moving party started.

My old lease ends on Tuesday of next week, so hopefully by Sunday I can have everything in the new place and be unpacked by Monday. I unpack wicked fast.

While I’m excited to have a new place (kind of), there are some things I will miss about my old apartment. For one, I have built-in bookshelves at my old apartment and I only needed one book shelf. Because my new place doesn’t have any built-ins I’m going to need to buy bookshelves. I’m totally bummed about this. As much fun as it is to spend hours at Ikea, and dream about what your apartment could look like, I simply cannot not afford to be buying furniture. Also, this may seem foolish but whatever, I feel like buying bookshelves is silly because eventually The Boyfriend (when he’s my husband) and I will have a house/place together and buying  furniture seems like a waste. In fact, this is the main reason why I never bought any bedroom furniture.

I do need to take my books out though, I am always digging through my books. My books are totally employed. I use them regularly. I sift through them, read favorite sections of my favorite books, use them in my teaching. My books don’t just sit on the shelves and look fabulous, in turn making me fabulous. I put my books to work. So, I will need a place to put them.

I guess, I can always sell whatever furniture I don’t need when I finally have a house with The Future Husband (maybe that should be what I call The Boyfriend from now on–FH?–What do you think?).

The best thing about moving, I think, is purging. Yesterday, I got rid of old shoes, some clothes, and just stuff that I don’t need or want I did find some stuff that I’ll try to sell when I move, but getting rid of some of the stuff that I don’t need is nice.

I try so hard to be a minimalist, but then I do have about 15 boxes of books, so I guess I’m not so good at that. I also have 2 boxes of DVDs. I think this is why I’m so resistant to buy furniture and drawers and those plastic Tupperware things to get organized. I know I won’t be living in this new place for longer than a year, and everything that goes in to that place, has to come out. It’s just best not to have too much stuff.

There is one caveat, I desperately want to decorate this apartment. I know I can’t really afford it, but I would like this new space to be more pleasant and homey. I do, however, think that spending money on this apartment is foolish. I mean, what if I don’t want to use the same items to decorate, then I’ve bought stuff for nothing.

I don’t know. It seemed fine in my last place, that I didn’t decorate. I think I can handle another year of nothingness on the walls.

We shall see.

Maybe if I had some tips for how to decorate, with antique/vintage stuff, on a budget I’d feel better.

Ideas?

Thanksgiving, and Family, and Vacation–Oh MY!

Thanksgiving  break cannot come soon enough.  The boyfriend and I will be heading over to my parents this year, but before that we’ll be taking a small vacation that is so warranted.

Because being a college instructor is literally the greatest thing ever, I canceled classes for Monday and Tuesday (we’re having class on-line, thank you Blackboard). It will be nice be gone for the week. Sometimes heading out-of-town like I did at Halloween is just what the doctor ordered.

This week, however, promises to be mildly chaotic. I still have three classes worth of final drafts to comment and grade before tomorrow. I also need to pack, which, for whatever reason, always takes me an eternity. Yesterday, I was consumed by a cleaning bug, and even wiped down my kitchen cabinets. I’m a psycho when it comes to cleaning. I was on my hands and knees wiping down the moldings in the kitchen and bathroom. Also, tomorrow night Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 comes out and you can bet your ass I’ll be at a midnight showing.

I know that doesn’t seem like a lot to do, but the paper grading is draining.

My students don’t really need to have their papers back before tomorrow, but it will definitely make the vacation more pleasant knowing I can come back to a paper free apartment and work on some writing.

I haven’t seen my family since the summer, which is the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing my parents. Strangely enough, it’s been easier than I thought it would be. Maybe I should have gone to college out-of-state ( I was only about 2 hours away). Still, I’m looking forward to seeing my parents and sisters, even though seeing family is almost always a foreshadowing of drama and yelling. 

I’m especially eager to see how the renovations at the house have gone…I don’t know if I posted about that, but I should totally tell you all that story, since it’s simply ridiculous. Also, my mother gets her CAT Scan results back tomorrow and I’m crossing my fingers and praying like crazy that we get back some good news (please keep her in your prayers and thoughts).

Thanksgiving this year is going to be huge at the One Mean MFA’s Parents’ house (almost typed in my actual last name). The boyfriend will be with us, my youngest sister and her boyfriend’s family, some friends of my youngest sister, my aunt, uncle and surrogate grandmother and some other faces will be there. It’s going to be loud and Italian and I can’t wait. Also, my mother makes the best freakin’ stuffing on the face of the Earth.

What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? Are you ready to get into holiday gear?

Jon Stewart, Thank You

So last Thursday I had a complete mental breakdown. I was severely depressed and my anxiety was back in full swing.

I’ve been having anxiety attacks for about two months now, and the only thing that gets my heart rate down and my breathing caught up is yoga. I needed to relax and it was really good timing that I was going to D.C. for the Rally to Restore Sanity this past weekend. I needed to get the hell out of town and forget my adjuncting woes. Funny how a Rally to Restore Sanity was actually able to help me restore mine. Thanks Jon Stewart.

The Boyfriend was worried about me and admitted to me that I was driving him crazy with all my complaining. I still feel really bad about this. He told me I had been complaining for a while–like two months–and he couldn’t take it any more. I don’t ever want to drive anyone crazy, especially not someone who loves and cares about me. He’s a great listener and completely understands that I need to vent my frustrations.

We were sitting in his car and he asked me about what was bothering me and I told him about how I felt like my students were depleting my nutrients. I wasn’t getting anything back from them–no stimulating conversations, no laughing, no good quality writing. I was getting apathetic, glossy looks and mediocre work. I felt like they were taking everything I had and giving me nothing in return.

While teaching is one of those jobs, I found myself thinking I might need to find another career choice. I actually thought, “maybe teaching isn’t for me.” My whole life I’ve been so sure that I was born to teach. Yes, I thought it was going to music at first but teach nevertheless. This is my fourth year as a teacher, and I can’t believe I may actually be burning out. I’m not happy about this. Because the Boyfriend is very action oriented he helped talk me through what I needed to do change my situation. This last sentence makes it sounds like he was dictating to me what I needed to do, but it was more of a “what steps do you need to take to get where you want to be?” and “how are you going to take them?” and “what do you think your next move should be?” It wasn’t like, “Hey One Mean MFA, you should be doing this and this.” Neither of us do well with orders.

Anyway, after many tears and used up tissues, I decided that I needed to stop with the super teacher bull. Being a super teacher is NOT going to get me a tenure track position. Instead,  it will suck my time away from what is most important–my writing. So, I’m done getting papers back to them immediately. I’m done with all the caring, and going out of my way for them. Done. Done. Done.

I know this may sound incredibly selfish, and when I left for D.C. I wasn’t sure if I’d actually be able to pull it off when I came back. I have a tendency to say I’m going to do something (i.e. exercise) and then not. Although lately I’ve been good about actually doing what I’m saying. It’s the yoga, I think. It has seriously changed my life ( a yoga post to follow?).

It might be my first week back, but you want to know what people? For the first time in months–can you hear me out there?–months I actually sat down and did some writing. It felt great. Yes, I’m rusty. I’m hoping that maybe tomorrow I’ll even be sore. When I got back from work I got caught up in non-writing stuff and when I left for yoga I thought to myself, “you haven’t written one sentence.” Then I came back and took a pen to paper, which I later typed out since I do everything by hand–or at least start off by hand.

Also, the Boyfriend and I decided that I’m not going to talk about work, because the adjuncting thing is a side job. The writing is the real job. I haven’t really been talking about work. Usually I’m all–today my students did this or we were discussing that. Nope. No more. Maybe next week I’ll write even more. Regardless, it feels really good to have my f@$!ing priorities straight.

All of you out there? Have you done some writing today? If not, it’s cool, but what is holding you back?

Fireworks With a Side of Ignorance: Delish

Without getting too personal I’d like to tell you about my Forth of July. The boyfriend and I went to a party that was hosted by one of his “co-workers.” I say “co-workers” because the boyfriend works in a sport and they are more like teammates than co-workers I guess. Any way, we arrived and it was really laid back and the setup for the party was great. The boyfriend’s teammate had tents set up to provide shade and even rented a port-a-potty to prevent his likely intoxicated guests from making a mess in his house. Dude was prepared.

The host was really into The Forth and had purchased about $2000 in fireworks and even rigged them together so that all he had to do was light one fuse and then enjoy the fireworks. It was great to watch he and friends set it up. Luckily he lives in a cul-de-sac so he set up three huge pieces of plywood, which later caught fire. , in the center of the cul-de-sac so everyone on his street could see the show. The boyfriend and I watched as the host drank from a beer bong, then played beer pong, and then set up fireworks. As we left the party the boyfriend and I kept saying to each other it was a miracle no one was injured. The fireworks, though probably the very illegal kind, were great. I’m sure people in the neighborhood thought they were the city fireworks.

While the drinking games were going on the boyfriend and I sat with some of his friends and shot the breeze. Because everyone and their mother seems to be engaged or married, including a recently engaged couple we were sitting with, marriage was an obvious topic of conversation. Frankly, I’m so over hearing about marriage because I’m obsessed with getting married and can’t wait for the boyfriend to propose. We’ve been dating for five years in October and I’m ready. I’m overly anxious about it, and when I hear commercials on the radio for diamonds or see commercials with couples getting engaged I find myself eagerly changing the channel. I’m so tired of thinking about it, I know the boyfriend will ask me when he’s ready, but I’m ready!  So when we sat down and the first thing we started talking about was marriage I found myself closing off and not saying much.

I have very strong feelings about marriage, but I don’t go spouting them off at parties. Just like I keep my political and social beliefs to myself. Anyway the anti-Catholic spouting and the beliefs that this group of people felt about marriage was really making me itch and I watched as my boyfriend was smirking at me when I was using all the muscles in my body to keep my mouth shut. 

Don’t get me wrong, everyone I’ve met that is part of this sport’s culture is super friendly and great, it’s just plain ole ignorance that is my issue. I was grateful that the sun was setting and the fireworks were underway before I was forced to school a party of people about Catholicism.

I did have a great time, aside from that thirty minutes of torture.

The thing is when I talked to my mom about it–I should note my mother is what Jim Gaffigan would describe her as a “Shiite Catholic”–she seemed disappointed that I kept my mouth shut. I explained to my mother that schooling a party of people about the Catholic faith would have been completely inappropriate.

Anyway, the thing I took away from this was that fireworks really have a way of bringing people together and that social, religious and political discussions really should remain at the dinner table only during Thanksgiving.

Family + Holidays =Explosives

So like most people, I have a crazy family. I love them to death, but there are times when I want to die of embarrassment. Times when I question my biology. Tonight at dinner was one of those nights.

Some background::

I have two sisters. One of my sisters is nine years younger than me and is the funniest person on the planet. She is still in high school and on occasion her boyfriend joins us for dinner. Tonight was one of those nights.

My other sister is 21 months younger than me and we hate each other. She is the blacksheep in our family, and often all of us wonder how she ended up in our family. Her life is a chaotic mess and she is often times immature and blames other for her life and current living situation. She refuses to take responsiblity for her actions and this annoys me to no end. If you don’t like your life situation, stop bitching and DO something about.  When I’m around her for too long I feel like she has a toxic hold over me.  Her negative energy is able to suck the life  and light out of any space.

Tonight at dinner she started rambling about something completely inappropriate and even started telling racist jokes. She proceeded to tell my mother suffering from cancer that she wanted to make her pot brownies because it would help cure the cancer (I warned you, she is crazy). My mother, who is super conservative and opposed to the over use of Tylenol, opposed the idea of any kind of marijuana consumption.

My sister than went on some rant about inappropriate behavior of a doctor that she encountered. All the while my other sister’s boyfriend sat at the dinner table staring at his food. When (let’s call her blacksheep) Blacksheep started to tell racist jokes I removed myself from table.

I don’t think my sister is a racist; I believe she just wanted to repeat some joke she heard. Her disclaimer was that it wasn’t that funny. We were all unsure why she wanted to repeat it. I asked her repeatedly not to even say the joke, begging someone to help me change the subject. She said the joke, which was not funny. 

I sat there as she continued to defend herself and her friend who she heard the joke from. I then got up from the table, having heard enough. 

I went outside for brisk walk in the cold weather. It made me wonder why I drove twelve hours to come home for the holidays. I could have had a peaceful week of getting work done and relaxing. Instead, I enter this pit of chaos.

A week ago I was freaking out about moving so far away from my family, but after this evening, after the yelling, the not being able to sleep in a bed, and my sister’s erratic behavior, I’m relieved that on December 26th I get to leave.

I can’t stay here. 

What makes me sad is that my mother, who is ill, has to stay here. She deserves better. She deserves a clean comfortable house where she can rest and relax instead of constantly wonder what crazy ass thing Blacksheep is going to do or say.

It will be a Christmas miracle if I don’t tell Blacksheep off before the holiday weekend comes to an end.

Christmas miracles? They do happen, right?