You know how life seems to pile up and pile up and just when you think you can’t handle any more that’s when the heaviest load seems to be added on. Well, this is something I’ve experienced often. My senior year of undergrad as the semester was working its way to ending and the organic chemistry tests were becoming increasingly more difficult to pass, my mother was diagnosed with Sarcoma. Sarcoma is a kind of cancer; it’s basically tumors that grow on muscle tissue. Mom had an 8 pound tumor on her kidney.

She had the tumor removed along with her kidney; the surgery went well. She felt great afterwards. Awesome. We now call her Frankenmommy.

Then this summer another growth popped up on her shoulder muscle. Again, she had surgery, it went well. She felt great.

Well two weeks ago on a Saturday morning, Mom called me.

MOM: I have to tell you something.

ME: Okay?

MOM: I have two growths behind my stomach and there are spots on my lungs. The doctor is not sure if the spots on the lungs are cancer, but he doesn’t like the look of it.

ME: Are you going to have to have surgery?

MOM: No, they don’t think cutting them out is working. They didn’t think the growths were connected, but now they think they are. (A long pause) I’m going to have to start chemo.

I didn’t say anything for a while. Didn’t really know what to say. How do you respond to that? How do you stay strong for your Momma? How do you push the lump that is about to explode out of your throat down? You can’t swallow the lump. I took a deep breath, a big deep breath. I could hear Mom breathing. She was getting emotional.

ME: When do you start?

MOM: Probably in about two weeks.

ME: Well, I’m sure you’re going to be fine.

MOM: Yup.

She didn’t sound confident. She was in shock. Again, it was really quiet. We were both about to cry and cry and cry, not in the good way that we have when we’re watching Step Mom together and we’re crying because it’s such a beautiful story and we love each other. We were about to cry some seriously sad tears.

MOM: So are you going to come up this weekend?

ME: I can’t I have a lot of work to do. I’ll try to come up soon, hopefully before Thanksgiving.

MOM: Okay.

ME: OKay.

MOM: I love you.

ME: I love you too.

I hung up, gently put my phone down and cried for about 2 hours. I cried a lot that weekend. I’m about to crying right now as I write this.

I drove home that weekend because I wanted to hug my mom. I did. I held her really tightly. F%@?  the school work.

A few days later when I was speaking to my mom, she sounded normal.

Happy.

Strong.

 I was venting about some of my stress and she said she was sorry about getting sick and that she felt bad that she was adding to my stress. Of course I told her it wasn’t her fault and she’d fight through it and everything would be okay. I believe this to be true.

Mom started chemo yesterday. Her spirits were up. I spoke to her before and after and she sounded good.

My family, both immediate and extended, have rallied around to support my mom. My aunt, who lives about five minutes from my parents has been going with her to all her doctor’s appointments. She is not my mom’s sister, she is mom’s sister-law. I’m telling you, we are tight family. There is non of that bullshit that goes on between in-laws. We all love each other blood related or not. We gather together and don’t let each other fall. My other aunt, my mom’s other sister in-law is flying in tomorrow and staying until Wednesday to get my mom through the first week. About ten-eleven years ago she went through chemo and has explained how the first week is one of the toughest. She’s coming in to get Mom through it.

I love my family even though they are crazy, and sometimes I’m embarrassed by how freakin’ loud they are. I see how much I have a little bit of all of them in me. I’m loud and crazy and if anyone of them needed me I’d quit my damn job if I had to help them.

Yesterday or the day before, I can’t remember. I was talking to my mom on the phone and she said something about how she felt bad that my aunt was spending her time in a depressing hospital. She said she felt like a burden.

That’s when I reminded her.

ME: Isn’t that what family is for? Aren’t we supposed to reach out and help each other? You’d do the same thing for her, and if, when I have a sister-in-law who gets sick and needs me I’ll stick with her too. That’s what we do. We help each other. You’re going into battle, we’re your army. We’re here to help you fight.

I could hear her nodding her head.

Chemo, cancer, all of it sucks but I know Mom will get through it because she has us fighting for her when she can’t. We’re going to pick her up when falls, hold her up if we have to as she fights face to face with that son of bitch Sarcoma.

So far this week:

1) Annotated bib (check)

2) Screenplay (check)

To be competed:

3) Research proposal (due tomorrow)

4) Thesis pages ( no due date, but I’m thinking I’ll do extra pages and hand my thesis chair since I should have handed in 30 this week).

Real post coming soon.

I have about 40 something pages due of screenplay due by 7 pm this evening. We’ll see if I can bang them out. I’m an idiot for waiting until the last minute.

will kick my ass. I can’t wait for this semester to be over so I can move and work on my thesis. Progress on the thesis is slow. No dice.

Things due by next week:

1) Annotated Bibliography

2) Research Paper proposal and working bibliography

3) 60 pages of a screenplay script

4) 30 pages of my thesis (novel).

Let the meltdown begin.

I applied for one job via the MLA job list. I worked on the cover letter and my cv for a week or two with help from my thesis chair. I had sent the letter to another professor of mine and didn’t receive criticism back until after I mailed it. The professor who emailed me back after I’d sent the letter was very very critical and after my thesis chair told me to stop working on it and send it already I was a bit worried. Oh well.

I’ve decided not to stress about it because on top of the other shit that is going on in my life stressing out about something I can’t control is not going to make the situation any better. Though, I will say, my heart was beating pretty hard when I handed it over to the post office worker.

The job doesn’t start until August 2010 so I need to chill out about it. I am also applying for jobs for December for when I move. No more GTAing (which I think could be both good and bad). That is also quite stressful. I applied for two language arts teacher positions (middle school). I will say while I would take any job right now, I’m not stoked about middle school. I’ve taught 9th grade and hated them. I would imagine 6th, 7th and 8th graders are not any more loveable.  I have faith that God is looking out for me and won’t let me get myself into a crappy situation. Regardless, teaching any grade will pay my rent so I’ll take what I can get. Who knows, I may love the little guys.

I’ll briefly update the “life” situation as soon as I have some time to construct the sentences.

is kicking my ass.

I know I haven’t written in forever. It’s midterms, I’m trying to get my shit together. Shit can be defined as: the stuff of life, and in my case that means, a major family crisis (more on this when I have a chance to write), moving, paper grading, class work, thesis, and a long distance relationship.

Shhhhh. So busy.

I counted the days to my moving to the same zip code as my boyfriend and it’s 64 days. SIXTY FOUR! I can’t decide if I’m okay with it, or if when I counted the days I was hoping it would be less. When I got fifty, I have to admit I was so disappointed. I thought I’d count and it would be like 40 days, but instead it’s almost a month more.

With the semester reaching a climax work is piling up around me and having not seen my love for a month (which doesn’t seem long saying it out, but I’m so over it) and knowing it’s going to be another month before I see him is really killing me. We have a rule where we don’t say “I miss you” to each other because it’s not healthy to dwell and isn’t it obvious that we miss each other. If we didn’t miss each other something would be wrong. And while he hasn’t said “I miss you” flat out, he has hinted at some emotion regarding my absence in his life. Recently he texted me randomly during his work day and told me he was usually okay waiting but he didn’t want to wait to see me, then added, “I want to see you now.”

Tell me about.

Today, when I looked at my planner and see presentations, screenplays, papers, cover letters, and a thesis needing to be completed, it seems like all those things are even more difficult to complete because my chest feels like it’s caving, my ribs can’t hold in the pain any longer. I’m going to implode.

I know I have to think about these things like a relay race. Every task completed is one step closer to being able to cook dinner for him or go on a date. A date! with him.

There is so obviously a whole in my chest. I can do it though. I will survive.

p.s. I hope he doesn’t read this, cause then I’ll be a pinch embarrassed. 

p.p.s. I love him–a lot.

Decemeber 8th (I think that’s when my semester ends) is so close. Right now I have more work to do and I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know where to start. October is starting to weigh me down.

Yesterday my thesis chair reminded me that I was running behind schedule with the progress of my thesis. As if I wasn’t aware. I really need to figure out how to up my productivity.

Suggestions? And not sleeping is not a solution.