I started to write this as a joke while I sat in class, but I liked the concept and finished it. I would love some feedback on it. Suggestions for improvement, what you think about it.
Emotional Cheeseburger
(copyright www.onemeanmfa.wordpress.com)
I cried once,
eating a Wendy’s dollar menu cheeseburger.
My hunger palpable.
The pangs banging against
the inner lining of my belly.
Growl.
I’m fucking starving, I kept thinking.
Had you asked me what starvation was
I would have answered,
Empty.
We sat in the drive-through
Waiting.
I want my damn burger,
Give it to me.
I need the meat.
We drove, the car smelled like
potatoes drenched in reused oil and refrigeration.
Give it to me.
It was passed over
white paper bags and
cardboard potato holders.
The smell: greasy paper wrapped meat nestled
between white bleached bread
soaked with condiments and a meaty residue.
One bite
So satisfied
The lettuce ripped apart by
Teeth.
Meat, pickles, and ketchup
Ground together bringing tears to my eyes.
Copyright: www.onemeanmfa.wordpress.com
Thanks again for the feedback, in advance.
Tags: college, condron.us, creative writing, dollar menu, food writing, grad school, Graduate School, masters, MFA, poem, Poetry, student, Students, University, Wendy's, Writing
April 24, 2009 at 4:01 am |
Oh dear, you got spammed by “Katie.” That comment doesn’t say much. I, on the other hand do offer real comments.
I like the concept a lot. I love that you use the cheeseburger as a metaphor for an emotional state. Reading it a second time, I get the emptiness of some things, such as the wheat bun. My question is about the “we” and how can that be connected to the emotional hunger expressed by the speaker in your poem. I think there’s something there.
April 24, 2009 at 2:42 pm |
I couldn’t tell if it was spam or not…and let me say, I totally appreciate your comments, because they are always insightful.
I had a friend read the poem and they suggested adding something to the end of it, and remove the part that comes after the italics. I don’t know what to add to the end though. Thoughts?
April 24, 2009 at 4:12 pm |
Something after – tears or crying is an emotional climax, so it might help to think of that in terms of the story of the poem. I like it the ending here, but what kind of resolution is there? Yeah, I’m thinking more like a fiction writer than poet.
April 24, 2009 at 6:47 pm |
I always think more like a fiction writer…but I can’t stop writing poems!