Do you have plans for tonight?

The New Year stresses me out. First you have to be all motivated to make yourself a better person then if you’re like me you feel like such a loser if you don’t have plans for the New Year’s Eve. For the past three or four years the pressure of making plans has really got me motivated to have my own house that I can throw a New Year’s Eve Extravagaza in. I think I’ve become so motivated because for the past few years the plans I’ve made for New Year’s Eve have not seemed to manifest. Instead of partying it has been more little adventures which include driving around and finding something to do. WTF? It would be nice to be the place where people come instead of having to search for a bar or friend that is having some kind of get together.

It seems there really are only a few  options for New Year’s Eve:

1) Stay home and enjoy some quality Ryan Seacrest

2) A crappy crowded bar with a bunch of sweaty strangers

3) A party your friend is throwing which may or may not be fun. Let’s be honest some people do not know how to throw parties properly.

4) A night club

Plans for New Year’s Eve have become so important (or maybe I’m just taking notice because now I actually care) that bars and other venues charge like $100 bucks a ticket to get in and it may include like a drink or two, some dancing and it won’t close shop until like 2. WOW! That is expensive with a side of lame sauce.

This year I think my other half and I did a better job of looking for things to do earlier but our plans are still up in the air and really the only thing I want is to be slightly tipsy and dance my heart out until midnight give my love a kiss and dance some more. 

If you’ve got any cool ideas for New Years feel free to post them in the comments section.

Sunday Afternoons

I learned this Sunday that buried deep down inside me there is a lazy bum. Usually I’m always doing something, I’m rarely basking in nothingness. I find doing nothing actually creates anxiety for me. I start to think about all the things I can be doing and I start getting stressed out. I am constantly multi-tasking. If I’m watching TV, unless of course it’s time for Heroes, I usually have my laptop out and am working on something. I’m rarely just watching TV.

Today though, I woke up late and did some reading…it was for school but whatever. Then I watched some Top Chef marathon on Bravo and by the time I rolled out of bed it was about 2:30. I couldn’t believe it I had wasted an entire morning and almost half of the afternoon.

But have I wasted the afternoon? I mean right now I feel really content. There was nothing  pressing that I needed to do. The only thing I wanted to do and still have time to do is go to church. I did read and now I am writing. I guess every now and then it isn’t that big of a deal if I do nothing.

I’m wondering though, could this type of lazy behavior get me in trouble? Yeah, I know the only person I really need to answer to is me and of course the big guy upstairs but it’s not like I need permission to be lazy. I can just be lazy. The trouble I’m talking about is come Monday maybe even Tuesday and I’m going to regret having done nothing? Will I stop mid Monday afternoon and say to myself, “I should have read more on Sunday?”

I think if I’m so worried about this I should probably stop being lazy and get some stuff done but first I think I’ll take a nap.

New Year’s Resolutions

I, like many, think,  have had the same new years resolutions for at least five years. I have been trying to stop cracking my knuckles. I know it’s small but I seriously think that if I don’t stop soon my hands are going to be cripled. I don’t know. I’m not a chiropractor.

Here’s the thing, I’m good on January 1st  and sometimes even through to the 3rd. Then when I wake up on the 4th and crack, crack, crack, and snap. I don’t mean to do it. It’s just a habit I’ve had since about 9 years old. After the rest of day I try really hard not break down and crack those knuckles. My hard work lasts maybe a week and then I’m so over it.

This type of mentality has applied to all of my new year’s resolutions and I know I’m not alone. How many people join Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and LA Fitness during this time of year? What about those people who are devoted for longer than a week? They go into the gym everyday for about two months and then forget about it. They are busy, or see some results and then it’s over. What is everyone’s problem? Why can’t we commit?

I’ve heard that some people try to start these resolutions later in the year like March. My question is, what is the difference? It seems to me that either you will do it or you won’t, what does it matter what time of year you start it? I don’t think so. I’ve been saying for years I want to get in shape and it was not until I finally decided that I was going to start running and stay with it that I did. I have now been consistently running for almost 9 months.

I would love to stop cracking my knuckles and maybe losing some weight wouldn’t hurt but is this the year the knuckling cracking stops. I definitely welcome some advice on stopping the knuckle cracking. Suggestions.

Merry Christmas, Damn it!

I was sitting at the piano this evening singing and playing some religious Christmas songs like, “Oh come, all ye Faithful” and “Silent Night.” It occurred to me that I hadn’t been hearing as many of the religious songs on the radio. This made me a bit depressed because here we are two days before Jesus’ birthday and I’m wondering how many people even know that’s what the season is all about.

The Catholic Church doesn’t even start signing the traditional Christmas songs until December 25th. Why? Well, it’s because all the songs are about His arrival. Technically we shouldn’t be saying “Oh come let us adore Him” if He isn’t here yet. Same thing goes for “The Little Drummer Boy.” He isn’t drumming until after Jesus is born. So why do the radio stations stop playing Christmas songs right after Christmas?

Is it because most of us have opened our presents? Funny because the gift giving didn’t start in Bethlehem until January 6th which is the day those Three Wise Men showed up after following that star. Why can’t we wait to end the Christmas season on the 6th? Maybe the radio stations could resume to their regular music but sprinkle in some Christmas songs. I mean it’s not all about Santa.

I guess though by celebrating the religious aspects of Christmas we might be acting radically. Oh those crazy Christians. I am by no means a radical when it comes to anything. I do however feel like the meaning of Christmas is being lost. All over the United States small things are happening that take the magic out of Christmas. Instead of acknowledging the holiday we’ve settled with “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings.” Who are we protecting? Christmas is becoming the “Holiday that shall not be named.” It’s not evil like Voldemort! Oh no I said it Voldemort! Christmas!

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a rant but I think I’m just trying to say before you open your presents on Christmas day think about why this holiday is so damned special. Consider that by not saying Merry Christmas and ignoring the meaning of Christmas, Christians we’ll be taking a step back. Take some time to remember our history of being persecuted which is why songs like “The Twelve Days of Christmas” exist. Don’t be afraid to say it or sing those songs after Christmas is over. I don’t think He will mind much. It is His birthday after all.

Inflatable Christmas Decorations

I hate them. You seem them in suburbia as well as in urban areas and you know what? They are horrible. I’m talking about those ridiculous inflatable Christmas decorations.

They are just terrible. They don’t look cute, although I think that people who put them up must think they do. Instead, they give off this creepy effect. I have been tempted many times to go through some neighborhoods and deflate them, but that is like vandalism. And I’m am no vandal.

Below you’ll find a list of why I can’t stand them.

1) They are enormous.

2) They are creepy.

3) They move too much when it’s windy.

4) When they are deflated during the day it gives off a depressing vibe.

5) It makes me think the person who put them up also needs to read those books with the enormous print.

6) They scream “look at me” in an annoying and guady way.

7) They look dead and unanimated. Shouldn’t we be celebrating life? It is Jesus’ birthday after all.

And finally…

8) They are un-American.

Your thoughts?

Sleepytime Tea

It’s late. It’s past my bedtime and here I am blogging away. I don’t know if it’s because I’m addicted to this place or I just can’t sleep. I have been suffering from sleeplessness for a long time. I think calling what I have insomnia is unfair to people who actually suffer from insomnia. I do occasionally sleep, am able to function during my day, and have not gone mad. I think once the madness sets in a loved one should recommend medical treatment.

I have read many articles about what to do when you can’t sleep, things like: don’t do any other activity except sleeping in your bed. Apparently when you read, or watch TV, or write in a journal in your bed your brain starts to think your bed is a space for activities besides sleeping. So when you want to go to sleep you can’t. I’ve tried this; relocating my “other activities” to other spaces. I try to read only on the couch, or at Starbucks, or at the library. I don’t do anything but sleep in my bed and still I’m up right now. So let’s just say for me, this tip, not so helpful.

I’ve heard also, as probably many have, drink hot milk. This is a bullshit lie. It is a conspiracy to get us to drink more milk. Listen, I love milk, there is no need to lie about the magic powers of hot milk. I’ll drink the milk. Not to mention, hot milk is kind of gross and should be left to infants to drink. I like my milk cold, ice cold and right out of the refigerator. No glass necessary.

Right now I’m experimenting with Sleeptime Tea. I’m pretty sure this is a marketing scheme to get people who can’t sleep to drink tea. Again, I enjoy tea, there is no need to make up some fancy shmancy name for chamomile. I’m not a moron, I can read the ingredients. I don’t know if the tea is working. I’ve been sitiing here writing and drinking tea and my bed still doesn’t seem appealing.

I have also tried sleeping masks. They don’t work and the elastics give me headache if left on for too long. I do recommend them for naps and migraines, especially for migraines. They work magic when any kind of light makes your brain feel like it’s going to explode out of your eyeballs.

I do count a lot. That seems to be the most sucessful method. It slows down the other thoughts, the ones about what I have to do to tomorrow, as well as prevents me from  breaking down my entire day. Instead of worrying about everything I’m simply counting. I get to 100 and start over again and eventually I start to drift away.

This evening the counting wasn’t working. I think it’s because every time I got to 100 I did the math and realized how long I had been counting for. This defeats the entire purpose of counting. Suddenly I’m thinking 96-97-98, oh my God this is the fifth time I’ve gotten to 100, I don’t think this is working. then I say to myself, usually aloud, ENOUGH! GO TO SLEEP. Eventually though I do fall alseep, the sunrises and its time to start the day.

I’m nearly finished my fancy Sleeptime Tea. I think I’ll give my bed another chance. I’d love some ideas on how to fix this sleeplessness, and of course know what doesn’t work. Hot milk, honestly…

The Writing Schedule

My writing schedule is non-existent. This whole semester I’ve been trying to figure out when I could write for at least an hour a day, and I’ll tell you what, I’m starting to think it’s impossible. Part of me wants to say, “School work, who needs it?” But the grade obsessed student in me knows better and thank goodness or I’d fail out of grad school.  Then there is the TAing work, which, I’ll be honest I don’t think is that bad, especially having taught high school. It’s a lot less grading and planning than the high school gig. I am by no means complaining the TAing stuff still needs to be done since it’s preventing me from owing Sallie Mae even more money.

What is my problem? I’m sure a lot of things, but seriously I would love some suggestions about how to establish a writing schedule. I have always been a big fan of schedules. I think a routine, prevents stress attacks, which I know I am prone to, but it also helps keep me organized. Since the fall semester has ended I haven’t really had a routine, and I find myself enforcing one on myself. I’m waking up the same time everyday, running (which I think I love just as much a writing…don’t worry you will hear a lot more about my running obsession and the chronicles of how it has changing my life for the way better), reading for the same amount of time every day, but you know what I haven’t fit in, my freakin’ writing. WHAT THE….?

I would love to hear some ways other writers incorporate their writing into their days. I read or heard a writer say they thought of their writing time as playing and this encouraged them to think of it less as work and more of fun thing, which I think should be considered as fun. I don’t know, maybe there is a reason I’m not incorporating it into my schedule, something dramatic and psychologically rooted. Or maybe I’m just being a bitch and not doing the other kind of work I need to be doing, which is writing.

I will say this blog is helping. I know that I don’t have any kind of posting schedule but I’m trying. I’m trying to write something here everyday, and I think that is a start. My mama always said, “GOALS! GOALS! GOALS!”

So writers out there, if you have schedule how do you incorporate it into the busy day I know you have? I could start rambling about how busy we all are, but that’s an entirely different Springer show.

Grades Grades Grades

So grades are finally in and I’m totally disappointed. In my fiction workshop, in my first semester, I’m walking out with a B+.  I’m not so happy about this. When I vented this to my other half an important point was made, “I always thought that the higher up you got in education grades weren’t really that important. Isn’t it more about the writing?”  I will admit I have thought about grades a lot while in grad school.

 Grades have always been important to me. Now, when I think about this grade in my workshop class I’m understanding how my students feel and I’m feeling like such a hypocrite. I have told my students countless times that “grades are not important.”  I’ve said this with great conviction, so much so, I’m surprised I actually don’t believe this. Grades ARE important, at least I think they are, at least at the undergraduate level. I usually say this to my students too, “if you’re planning on going to school after college grades are important,” because they are. You can’t get into medical school with a low GPA and grad schools also look at GPA when considering future applicants.

So are grades important at the graduate level? I still haven’t decided. Although, after ending the conversation with my other half I decided that no I would not be a teacher pleaser. I am not here to write for my professors. I am in grad school to write for myself. I’m just wondering if when I apply for my PhD will this nonchalant attitude about grades bite me in the ass?

After deciding that I wasn’t going to be teacher pleaser I started thinking that maybe my teacher pleasing had actually been to blame for the B+. If I had been writing what I wanted and  had not over thought my work would it have been stronger and better received by both my professor and peers? Every piece I have written this semester has carried with it a lot of thought. Not thought about making it better, thoughts like, is this good enough for the MFA program? Will my professor think this sucks? Instead of actually thinking that I got in because of my writing I’m worrying about who is going to like it, and if they don’t like it then why? 

I think since the new year is rolling around now is as good a time as any to really take a good hard look at how I’m writing and what I can do to improve it. My resolution for the spring is not to write for the my program, my teachers, my other half, or my parents.  Instead, I’m going to treasure the time I have here set aside for writing and write whatever my heart desires.

I think, with many aspects of my life I need think about why I’m doing whatever it is I’m doing. Whether it’s a masters degree, writing or exercising. I’m not doing these things for my other half, my parents, or my school, I’m doing them for myself. I guess a little selfishness isn’t all bad. Is it really selfish though?

Thoughts anyone?

The Walk of Shame

I didn’t think it would take this long to happen, but finally I have become of victim of my horrible grammar skills. When told that my final paper was so badly riddled with error that it impeded understanding my heart broke. I know what I’m about to say is not on topic, but I feel like anyone who reads this is going to deliberately be more aware of every comma, period, and other punctuation marks. I could feel my little English teacher world coming to an end. Okay, I know that’s a tad bit melodramatic, but it’s sort of true. I was so embarrassed, to be grad student in the English department having grammar issues. I’m not saying that those of us who are really into literature and writing are automatically going to grammar wizards (clearly I am not), but for the most part, I think that many of us are very aware of grammar, word use, and so many other technical aspects to writing in comparison to others.

As a teacher who is a student, I am having a tough time figuring out where the problem started, and how it got this bad. I think back to my middle school days and I wonder, was grammar really enforced? I do remember doing some grammar exercises but not many. In high school I barely did any grammar. Not only as a high school student was grammar not a priority but as a high school teacher I never really took much time to enforce grammar either,(I think this makes me part of the problem). Here’s the thing, how did I get through college making such horrible grammatical errors? I mean I was an English major, shouldn’t I have failed sooner? Now, here I am in a masters program being told I’m making the same mistakes as a college freshman. Talk about wanting to hide myself from the department.

Although still feeling so shameful, I’m grateful to have finally been stopped. This incident will by no means prevent me from finishing, instead I think it will make me so much more successful. I am finally aware of the mistakes I’m making in my writing and can fix them. I can now take my work and have it proofread a million times, and even practice using the same grammar exercises I give my students on occasion. In fact, since I’ve been told my grammar sucks I’ve decided to not put my college freshman in the same place where I ended up; working on a masters degree and still unaware of proper comma usage. I’m not saying, by any means that I’m going to turn my classroom into Grammar 101, but I will definitely be doing more grammar lessons.

The best part about this situation is that by teaching something you have to first learn yourself you’re not only a better teacher but the material you’re teaching really stays with you. Although I walked the English department walk of shame, I’ve put on a fresh outfit and am ready to rock and roll even harder.

Christmas Shopping and Bopping

I was asked by one of you if the holiday season was a time “to be irritated by the commercialism” of the holiday season. I would have to say, as much as it irritating I would say it’s more stressful. I haven’t done any of my Christmas shopping and you know what? I feel guilty about it. Today I had plenty of opportunities to go out and shop but instead I did some gardening.

I wasn’t even gardening for myself, I was doing it for my parents. Although, I will admit it was a slightly selfish act because I enjoy it so much but, I kept thinking, as my hands were wrist deep in soil, I really need to go shopping.

Part of my issue with buying presents is that I am a horrible gift giver. I don’t think I’m very thoughtful and I’m also a very poor grad student whose rent is due in a week.  I have a significant other I need to get something for and you know what, I’m completely clueless on what to get my other half. Especially since, my love is so much more thoughtful than I am. 

Because I keep stressing over this I find myself not so excited to go shopping either. Who wants to be braving malls, and strip malls pushing their way through other stressed out shoppers. I just know it needs to be done so I should just get it over with.

What I do look forward to though has nothing to do with shopping and gift giving. It has to do with family tradition. I think this is what gets most of us, who are not driven by sales and savings and shopping, through this over commercialized season. I can’t wait for my mom to start baking and to get the Christmas tree set up. I also love putting up the nativity scene and the special holiday towels and mistletoe up.

I hope I’m not the only one who could care less about shopping and looks forward to spending time with family, bake, decorate and of course be annoyed by my family.