Last Paper

I’m working on my last paper for grad school. So stoked about it. After this paper is done all I have to do is focus on my thesis. Love it.

There are few things as wonderful as seeing the light at the end of that tunnel.

Happy Thanksgiving

I love the start of the holidays. It’s a reminder of how important family is and how material things like Black Friday and all the shopping are really quite insignificant.

My sister is very young. She and I are nine years apart and she’s so excited to wake up at the crack of dawn to hit up the mall. Instead, I’ve decided I’m going to help my other sister get some important things done. As much as I love shopping, and I do, my graduate student budget has taught me a lot about things that are luxuries. I no longer feel the need to go browse the mall, and I don’t buy things unless I really really need them.  Also, it’s important that I keep as little clutter around myself as possible.

I have started to do this by donating clothes I don’t wear and only keeping the essentials, which in my case is a basic wardrobe and my books. That’s it.

As I’m home, helping my mom organize the house and maintain the chaos at a manageable level, I’ve decided my Black Friday will be spent sorting through my things and deciding what gets donated to charity. There is no need to consume consume consume.

I’ve already warned my family and friends this Christmas is not going to include a lot of gift giving. I would rather cook them something delicious, and have  a great time than exchange gifts.

So, as you think about what you’re thankful for, I encourage you not to worry about setting that alarm clock to hit up a 4 am sale at Kohl’s, instead maybe stay up a bit later tonight and have a tea with your mom and chat it up, or laugh a little longer with your siblings. Forget the material stuff.

You can’t take it with you.

I hope all of you great readers out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I know I did.

In the Zone

I’m currently working on last minute school stuff and for once I’m excited to be focused. Being focused means being closer to moving, to spending time with my amazing family, and to having time to work on my thesis. It feels good.

I think I’ll focus now.

Almost there…

In order for my semester to be at an end official I need to write one paper, revise another, and grade one set of papers. Thesis is on hold until Dec. 2nd. Sounds like a lot but I’ve got this. Can’t wait.

So So So Close

Did I mention I’m moving? I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to look through my past posts to check. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it because it’s only been on my mind since I started grad school. I know I’ve mentioned the four-year long distance relationship.

When I started grad school I promised my boyfriend that I would do the program as fast as I could. Immediately I asked my advisor if I could do my thesis hours away. When it was confirmed that I didn’t have to live in town and could write away from my university I was set. I ploughed through my courses and well, here we are at the end of my final semester of course work.

While my program is supposed to be three years, it can definitely be completed in two. With summers and loading up on classes, it’s doable. It’s not easy, but if it was easy then everyone would do it, right? The major issue I’m having this semester isn’t my classes, or teaching, or even the long distance. It’s my thesis.

I stupidly decided I wanted to write my first novel for my thesis. I also decided it would be a good idea to move, and hunt for jobs. My rough draft is due, the latest January 1st. I’m hoping I can bang it out before then, but with everything that is going on, I’m concerned. My goal is to graduate this spring, but I would be okay with myself if I had to push it to summer. Though, I didn’t graduate from undergrad in spring, and there is something magical about graduating in the spring, I think. All my friends graduated in spring and it’s so exciting, and everything is new, the leaves, the flowers, the moon. It’s fantastic. I’d like to participate in a spring graduation. Also, my youngest sister is graduating from high school this spring, and I think it would be so fun to have two spring graduates hanging out the house.

Okay, back to moving. Come mid-December I’ll no longer be in a long distance relationship. It’s crazy.

I was talking to my boyfriend about this recently and he pointed out that he won’t be excited until I’m living there. He reminded me that a few days after I move in I have to drive back home in order to attend a wedding and be with my family for Christmas. Then he’ll be excited because I’ll be back for New Years.

Oh, and he forgot to mention that I’ll hopefully be attending the MLA convention in Philadelphia for an interview. If you want incentive to finish a thesis and graduate apply for a job as a professor that requires a masters, so you have to finish it in order to work. HA!

I have to say the moving aspect of my life has taken over. I’m obsessed. I go on the Rooms to Go website daily and Ikea and Target just to see what furniture sales and options are available. I’m so eager to move I’ve already set up my electricity and have been browsing internet and cable packages.

While decorating is exciting that is not what I’m stoked about. It’s knowing that in roughly a month I’ll be able to see my boyfriend everyday if I want to. That I won’t have to have anymore lengthy phone conversations, that I’ll actually get to cook for him and and and and! go on dates! No more movies alone EVER AGAIN! ooooh we’ll even get to do normal couple things like hang out with friends together, and watch tv together. Hell, we’re just going to be together. I can’t wait. I can’t wait.

But I must focus. Thesis first. Excited second.

This upcoming weekend my boyfriend is coming for a visit and it’s the last visit we’re going to have as a long distance couple, and after four years of being apart, and many trips of meeting up in different places, and visiting each other. It feels so good to know it’s the last one. While we’ve had some great times, it’s feels really really really good to know it’s the last visit.

I must remember to focus. Think. Thesis.

Lack of Depth

I anticipated the reading to go better. Once again I’m the Pollyanna of the crowd. Why do writers feel the need to write about such sad things?

It’s quite possible I have no depth. The lack of depth is very likely.

Oh well.

I think, I’d rather have a positive outlook than always write about being sad. LAME.

Holiday Readings

Tonight at the library of my university, the MFA program will be holding a holiday reading. Last year around this time, the honors society and literary magazine hosted the reading and it was lovely. I’m obsessed with readings. I love going to them, and I love love love reading at them.

I’m currently enrolled in a course that focuses on Emerson and Thoreau and we are always talking about how they did readings around Concord. I have to say, I would totally have loved this. Reading your writing to a crowd is awesome. It allows you to perform your piece how you know it should be heard, and it helps you find places where improvements may be necessary. Also, you’re reaching people instantly.

I love it. I have a small theatre background and I look at every reading like a performance. While some of my peers do not feel the same way I find it important to know when to pause for laughs and when to raise your voice, and read softly. I love reading a piece that gets laughs where you want it. There is also the networking opportunities as with most departments professors tend to support their students.

It’s also very possible that I love the attention.

The thing is, I don’t just love reading at readings, I love hearing writers read their work the way they intend for the reader to hear it. Their work becomes alive and there is this supportive energy in the air. I love it. I love it. I love it.  Not to mention the holiday theme gets me fired up for the upcoming break. I love the holidays, and this readings is the perfect segue.

Okay, enough. I have to practice one or two more times and I’d like to squeeze a nap in.

Have a great weekend all. I’ll keep you posted on everything (the reading, the job hunt, the thesis, moving, and Frankenmommy).

Kiss my Ass, Freshman.

As Thanksgiving approaches so do the deadlines. I just finished leafing through my students final paper rough drafts and you know what kind of crap they are pulling. Sentences like, “I’m only writing this sentence so that she doesn’t say anything.” Really students? Really little freshman? You have got to be kidding me. 

As I stood at the front of the classroom reading the papers, I stopped to read this specific sentence aloud; a reminder– I’m not as dumb as I look. In the three years I’ve been teaching my students have done this a few times. I always catch them and I always call them out on it. I find it incredibly rude. Where do they get off? It is clearly their egos needing some stroking, look at how I pulled one over Ms. ,Mr., or Professor [insert name here]. Yes, aren’t you the slick little student.

Also, I noticed today as I stood in front of  the class, the large quantities of apathy taking up space in the classroom. I was briefly giving comments on the small errors and issues I noticed the class had on their papers and they ignored me. It was as if I wasn’t even standing up there. Really? Of course, your papers are perfect. How could I  have made such an error in suggesting some of your work needs improvement?  Oopsm my bad.

I reminded them that I could easily just stop, cancel my office hours, and not help them. It was fine with me. They aren’t the only ones who are “busy” and “have problems.”  No, we all do. We’re all students struggling to get to the end of the semester. Kiss my ass, Freshman.

This is the first time I’ve noticed my students not caring about my comments. Usually when I stand up to teach they are there with me. They hunger for my advice. They need more and more of it.  What is happening? Have they given up their goals of getting an A?  Frankly, I don’t really care if they don’t want A’s. What is it to me? If they don’t care, then hell, neither do I.

As much as I love teaching, and while I know I write a lot about students and how annoying they are, I really do love it. More times than not, I have a great time teaching. Both of my sections have great students who make me laugh and they take the time to show they care by attending my office hours. In general, they are good kids. The issue, I think, isn’t the actual students. It’s the month of November and all those damn Christmas commercials.

There is still a month and change for them to get through and all they are thinking about is the holidays. And, I hate to admit this, I’m guilty too. I’m ready to move, to eat lots of delicious Italian holiday food, and celebrate the new year. But, I’m still getting the work done, I’m focused.

Frankly, I wish the semester would come to an end already so I can get a new batch of students, a new job and start the new year.

 

Thesis

I am struggling to bang out the pages. But I will say applying for professor jobs that begin in the fall really is motivation to get it done. Can’t get a baller job without a baller MFA.

p.s. moving while thesising and trying to graduate is stressful, add job hunting and a family crisis and that’s how you spell the return of the anxiety attack. Love it.

Nothing Can Stop Us Now or Ever: Frankenmommy’s Fight

You know how life seems to pile up and pile up and just when you think you can’t handle any more that’s when the heaviest load seems to be added on. Well, this is something I’ve experienced often. My senior year of undergrad as the semester was working its way to ending and the organic chemistry tests were becoming increasingly more difficult to pass, my mother was diagnosed with Sarcoma. Sarcoma is a kind of cancer; it’s basically tumors that grow on muscle tissue. Mom had an 8 pound tumor on her kidney.

She had the tumor removed along with her kidney; the surgery went well. She felt great afterwards. Awesome. We now call her Frankenmommy.

Then this summer another growth popped up on her shoulder muscle. Again, she had surgery, it went well. She felt great.

Well two weeks ago on a Saturday morning, Mom called me.

MOM: I have to tell you something.

ME: Okay?

MOM: I have two growths behind my stomach and there are spots on my lungs. The doctor is not sure if the spots on the lungs are cancer, but he doesn’t like the look of it.

ME: Are you going to have to have surgery?

MOM: No, they don’t think cutting them out is working. They didn’t think the growths were connected, but now they think they are. (A long pause) I’m going to have to start chemo.

I didn’t say anything for a while. Didn’t really know what to say. How do you respond to that? How do you stay strong for your Momma? How do you push the lump that is about to explode out of your throat down? You can’t swallow the lump. I took a deep breath, a big deep breath. I could hear Mom breathing. She was getting emotional.

ME: When do you start?

MOM: Probably in about two weeks.

ME: Well, I’m sure you’re going to be fine.

MOM: Yup.

She didn’t sound confident. She was in shock. Again, it was really quiet. We were both about to cry and cry and cry, not in the good way that we have when we’re watching Step Mom together and we’re crying because it’s such a beautiful story and we love each other. We were about to cry some seriously sad tears.

MOM: So are you going to come up this weekend?

ME: I can’t I have a lot of work to do. I’ll try to come up soon, hopefully before Thanksgiving.

MOM: Okay.

ME: OKay.

MOM: I love you.

ME: I love you too.

I hung up, gently put my phone down and cried for about 2 hours. I cried a lot that weekend. I’m about to crying right now as I write this.

I drove home that weekend because I wanted to hug my mom. I did. I held her really tightly. F%@?  the school work.

A few days later when I was speaking to my mom, she sounded normal.

Happy.

Strong.

 I was venting about some of my stress and she said she was sorry about getting sick and that she felt bad that she was adding to my stress. Of course I told her it wasn’t her fault and she’d fight through it and everything would be okay. I believe this to be true.

Mom started chemo yesterday. Her spirits were up. I spoke to her before and after and she sounded good.

My family, both immediate and extended, have rallied around to support my mom. My aunt, who lives about five minutes from my parents has been going with her to all her doctor’s appointments. She is not my mom’s sister, she is mom’s sister-law. I’m telling you, we are tight family. There is non of that bullshit that goes on between in-laws. We all love each other blood related or not. We gather together and don’t let each other fall. My other aunt, my mom’s other sister in-law is flying in tomorrow and staying until Wednesday to get my mom through the first week. About ten-eleven years ago she went through chemo and has explained how the first week is one of the toughest. She’s coming in to get Mom through it.

I love my family even though they are crazy, and sometimes I’m embarrassed by how freakin’ loud they are. I see how much I have a little bit of all of them in me. I’m loud and crazy and if anyone of them needed me I’d quit my damn job if I had to help them.

Yesterday or the day before, I can’t remember. I was talking to my mom on the phone and she said something about how she felt bad that my aunt was spending her time in a depressing hospital. She said she felt like a burden.

That’s when I reminded her.

ME: Isn’t that what family is for? Aren’t we supposed to reach out and help each other? You’d do the same thing for her, and if, when I have a sister-in-law who gets sick and needs me I’ll stick with her too. That’s what we do. We help each other. You’re going into battle, we’re your army. We’re here to help you fight.

I could hear her nodding her head.

Chemo, cancer, all of it sucks but I know Mom will get through it because she has us fighting for her when she can’t. We’re going to pick her up when falls, hold her up if we have to as she fights face to face with that son of bitch Sarcoma.